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I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
Mitch Hedberg
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Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Something
Like
Picketing
Rice
Hungry
Show
Shows
Great
More quotes by Mitch Hedberg
I like cinnamon rolls, but I don't always have time to make a pan. That's why I wish they would sell cinnamon roll incense. After all I'd rather light a stick and have my roommate wake up with false hopes.
Mitch Hedberg
If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I'd be making money in a very weird way.
Mitch Hedberg
I wrote a script, and I gave it to a guy who reads scripts, and he read it, and he liked it, but he said he thinks I ought to re-write it. I said, Fuck that - I'll just make a copy!
Mitch Hedberg
I hate flossing, I wish I just had one long curvy tooth. They didn't have to make separations for me.
Mitch Hedberg
The commercial for Diet Dr. Pepper says it tastes just like regular Dr. Pepper. Well, then they screwed up!
Mitch Hedberg
I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. It did not need to exist.
Mitch Hedberg
If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.
Mitch Hedberg
I have an oscillating fan at my house. It goes back and forth. It looks like the fan is saying no. So I like to ask it questions that a fan would say no to! Do you keep my hair in place? Do you keep my documents in order? Do you have 3 settings? LIAR! My fan lied to me. Now I will pull the pin up. Now you're not saying ANYTHING!
Mitch Hedberg
I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out.
Mitch Hedberg
Imagine if the headless horseman had a headless horse. That would be chaos. I would think that if you were the headless horseman's horse, you would be very confused. I don't think this dude can see.
Mitch Hedberg
When you're doing a show on stage, and they show you a red light, that means you have 5 minutes left. At some clubs, they hold a candle up in the back. That's the worst method. You're up here, and then you see a floating candle. Oh, no! This place is haunted! I can't be funny when I'm frightened.
Mitch Hedberg
Snake eyes is a gambling term, and an animal term, too.
Mitch Hedberg
I think we should only get 3 honks a month on the car horn. Then, someone cuts you off, you press the horn, and nothing happens. You're like, Crap! I wish I hadn't seen Ricky on the sidewalk!
Mitch Hedberg
As a comedian, you have to start the show strong and you have to end the show strong. Those are the two key elements. You can't be like pancakes. You're all happy at first, but then by the end, you're sick of 'em.
Mitch Hedberg
They could take sesame seeds off the market and I wouldn't even care. I can't imagine 5 years from now saying, Remember sesame seeds? What happened? All the buns are blank!
Mitch Hedberg
My manager said, Don't use liquor as a crutch! I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk.
Mitch Hedberg
When I was on acid, I would see things like beams of light and I would hear sounds that sounded an awful lot like car horns.
Mitch Hedberg
I had a chicken finger that was so big, it was a chicken hand.
Mitch Hedberg
How does a sesame seed stick to a bun? That's magical. There must be some sesame seed glue out there. Either that or they're adhesive on one side. Peel off the backing, place it on the bun.
Mitch Hedberg
Then let's print up some flyers!
Mitch Hedberg
