Quote

Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupus... one of those two doesn't sound right.

Mitch Hedberg

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Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Two
Alcoholism
Right
Alcoholics
Alcohol
Disease
Lupus
Humor
Otto
Sound
Goddamn
Funny
Yelled
Doesn
Alcoholic

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I tried to freshen up a room, so I held a Certs in front of a fan.
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I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.
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I got an ant farm them fellas didn't grow sh*t.
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I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
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I was walking down the street with my friend and he said 'I hear music,' as though there's any other way to take it in. 'You're not special. That's how I receive it too... I tried to taste it, but it did not work'.
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I`ve not really been angling to be a comedian. I knew comics and I loved them and I loved being funny, but I didn't understand the whole concept of becoming one. My first couple of times on stage, I was like, This is what I'm doing for sure. I was so excited.
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I don't know how to fix a car. If the car breaks down, and the gas tank does not say E, I'm screwed. But if the gas tank says E, I get all cocky - I've got this one, don't worry. So I get out the toolbox AKA wallet.
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A lot of bands have intense names, like Rigor Mortis or Mortuary. We weren't that intense, we called ourselves Injured. Later on we changed it to Acapella when we were walking out of the pawn shop.
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P.S. - This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.
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I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, I'll just get a tan instead.
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You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
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I got some tartar-control toothpaste a while back. I've still got tartar, but it's under control.
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