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If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.

Mitch Hedberg

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Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Sure
Magnets
Funny
Magnet
Didn
Kitchen
Kids
Draw
Work
Draws
Make
Couldn
Humor
Comedy

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If you're a fish and you want to be a fish-stick, you have to have very good posture.
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I have found when I look at an audience that the expressions on the peoples' faces aren't always up to par with the sounds that they're making. A crowd can sound like they're having a good time when your eyes are closed but if you open your eyes, the looks on some of those faces don't equal the sound.
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I have no problem not listening to the Temptations.
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As a comedian, you have to start the show strong and you have to end the show strong. Those are the two key elements. You can't be like pancakes. You're all happy at first, but then by the end, you're sick of 'em.
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Mitch”, but then reattach it and call it “Mitch-all-together.
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I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why, that's what they're supposed to do. Now if he had had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed.
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Every time I walk by a spy shop, I think that I need to put some surveillance on somebody. Rick's been acting fishy! I need to buy a safe that looks like a Spray 'N Wash can. Hey, Mitch, can I use the Spray 'N Wash? Yeah, if you want to spray your shirt with documents!
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I had to take a physical to do this show. They had a lot of weird questions like, Have you ever tried sugar or PCP?
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If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, Hey - maybe a killer is after you!
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If you want to talk to me after the show, I'd be surprised.
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My friend said to me, You know what I like? Mashed potatoes. I was like, Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause.
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Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
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If you are flammable and have legs, you are not blocking a fire exit.
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I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide.
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I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
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I tried to walk into Target, but I missed. I think the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around.
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When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn't get out, something is seriously wrong.
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I am wearing a vest. If I had no arms, it would be a jacket.
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If you have to release bad news to the public, it would help if you are not ugly.
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I like baked potatoes. I don't have a microwave oven, and it takes forever to bake a potato in a conventional oven. Sometimes I'll just throw one in there, even if I don't want one, because by the time it's done, who knows?
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