Quote

It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?

Mitch Hedberg

Change background

T
T
T

Change font

TAGS & TOPICS

Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
People
Apes
Explain
Weird
Football
Humor
Comedy
Funny
Like

More quotes by Mitch Hedberg

Image
I was walking down the street with my friend and he said 'I hear music,' as though there's any other way to take it in. 'You're not special. That's how I receive it too... I tried to taste it, but it did not work'.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
People ask me for my autograph after a show. I'm not famous, I think they're messing with me. I think they're trying to make me late for something.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I don't want to have my face on the cover of a Wheaties box. I wanna have my face on the cover of a Rice Krispies box. Snap, Krackle, Mitch and Pop!
Mitch Hedberg
Image
A sleeping bag is a tortilla for a human.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
If I'm out to dinner with a group of friends, and somebody offers to pay for the check, I immediately reach for my wallet. Inside is a note that says, Say thanks!
Mitch Hedberg
Image
Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
Xylophone is spelled with an X. That's wrong. It should be a Z up front. Next time you spell xylophone, use a Z. If someone says, That's wrong!, you say, No, it ain't. If you think that's wrong, then you need to have your head Z-rayed.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why, that's what they're supposed to do. Now if he had had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say 'Mitch,' and I say 'what?' and turn my head slightly.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I'm a hard act to follow, because when I'm done, I take the microphone with me.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, I'll just get a tan instead.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I'm throwing a Frisbee.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I got an ant farm them fellas didn't grow sh*t.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I love my fed-ex guy cause he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it...and he's always on time.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I went to a tent store. What kind of tent do you need? Circus.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I did a radio interview the DJ's first question was Who are you? I had to think. Is this guy really deep, or did I drive to the wrong station?
Mitch Hedberg
Image
You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I met this girl, she was an actress, and she gave me her number. It started with 555.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
2-in-1 is a stupid term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created.
Mitch Hedberg