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I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.

Mitch Hedberg

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Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Hear
Microphone
Funny
Microphones
Together
Cords
Whole
Bunch
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Jokes
Humor
Hold
Cord
Comedy
Pinch

More quotes by Mitch Hedberg

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I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.
Mitch Hedberg
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I have found when I look at an audience that the expressions on the peoples' faces aren't always up to par with the sounds that they're making. A crowd can sound like they're having a good time when your eyes are closed but if you open your eyes, the looks on some of those faces don't equal the sound.
Mitch Hedberg
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Pepperidge Farm bread. That's fancy bread. You can tell it's fancy because it's wrapped twice. You open it, and it still isn't open. That's why I don't buy it. I don't need another step between me and toast.
Mitch Hedberg
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Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
Mitch Hedberg
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I think a rotisserie is like a really morbid ferris wheel for chickens. It’s a strange piece of machinery . . . We will take the chicken, kill it, impale it, and then rotate it. And I’ll be damned if I’m not hungry! Because spinning chicken carcasses make my mouth water! I like dizzy chicken. With a side of potatoes of some sort.
Mitch Hedberg
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I ate one anchovy, and that is why I did not eat two anchovies.
Mitch Hedberg
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If you have to release bad news to the public, it would help if you are not ugly.
Mitch Hedberg
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Onions make me sad. A lot of people don't realize that.
Mitch Hedberg
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I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add er.
Mitch Hedberg
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If you boat a lot, you're known as a boating enthusiast. I like to boat, but I just don't want to ever be referred to as a 'boating enthusiast'. I hope they call me 'a guy who likes to boat'.
Mitch Hedberg
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I'm a hard act to follow, because when I'm done, I take the microphone with me.
Mitch Hedberg
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I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There's turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Some one needs to tell the turkey, 'man, just be yourself.'
Mitch Hedberg
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I get the Reese's candy bar. You look at that, there's an apostrophe-s there. That means the candy bar is his. I didn't know that. Next time you're eating a Reese's candy bar, and a guy named Reese comes by and says, Gimme that, you better hand it over.
Mitch Hedberg
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I tried to freshen up a room, so I held a Certs in front of a fan.
Mitch Hedberg
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I made $3,000 opening for the Neville Brothers, and they paid me in cash. That was a bad situation, because I bought ridiculous stuff. I bought a snake bite emergency kit. Then I said to my friends, Don't even worry about snakes anymore. My friend stepped on a worm, and I said, Lay down!
Mitch Hedberg
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I got some tartar-control toothpaste a while back. I've still got tartar, but it's under control.
Mitch Hedberg
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I have an oscillating fan at my house. It goes back and forth. It looks like the fan is saying no. So I like to ask it questions that a fan would say no to! Do you keep my hair in place? Do you keep my documents in order? Do you have 3 settings? LIAR! My fan lied to me. Now I will pull the pin up. Now you're not saying ANYTHING!
Mitch Hedberg
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I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwiches? All-encompassingly.
Mitch Hedberg
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I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.
Mitch Hedberg
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Cavities are made by sugar. So if you need to dig a hole, then lay down some candy bars!
Mitch Hedberg