Quote

I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.

Mitch Hedberg

Change background

T
T
T

Change font

TAGS & TOPICS

Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Hold
Cord
Comedy
Pinch
Hear
Microphone
Funny
Microphones
Together
Cords
Whole
Bunch
Like
Jokes
Humor

More quotes by Mitch Hedberg

Image
I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals. You will run out.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
My friend said to me, You know what I like? Mashed potatoes. I was like, Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
A snake bite emergency kit is a body bag.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I'd be making money in a very weird way.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I got some tartar-control toothpaste a while back. I've still got tartar, but it's under control.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I like cottage cheese. That's why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I'm a mumbler. If I'm walking with a friend, and I say something, he says, What? So I say it again, and he says, What? Really, it's just some insignificant stuff I'm saying, but now I'm yelling, That tree is far away!
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I had a box of Ritz crackers, and on the back of the box, they had all these suggestions for what to put on top of the Ritz. Try it with cheese. Try it with peanut butter. Come on, man, they're crackers, that's why I got them. I like crackers! I didn't buy them because they're little edible plates!
Mitch Hedberg
Image
A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
If I'm out to dinner with a group of friends, and somebody offers to pay for the check, I immediately reach for my wallet. Inside is a note that says, Say thanks!
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There's turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Some one needs to tell the turkey, 'man, just be yourself.'
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes I will drop it so that is achieves its maximum flavor potential.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I saw soda pop for $1.20 a six pack. That price messes with your head. You start thinking you're gonna sell soda pop. Suddenly I've got packs of pop with me. Looking to buy some pop? 50 cents a can. It's not refrigerated because this is a half-assed commitment!
Mitch Hedberg
Image
If you have to release bad news to the public, it would help if you are not ugly.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I met this girl, she was an actress, and she gave me her number. It started with 555.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I'm a hard act to follow, because when I'm done, I take the microphone with me.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
This one commercial said, Forget everything you know about slipcovers. So I did, and it was a load off of my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell slipcovers, but I didn't know what they were!
Mitch Hedberg