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I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.

Mitch Hedberg

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Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Hear
Microphone
Funny
Microphones
Together
Cords
Whole
Bunch
Like
Jokes
Humor
Hold
Cord
Comedy
Pinch

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I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.
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If you're a fish and you want to be a fish-stick, you have to have very good posture.
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If you want to talk to me after the show, I'd be surprised.
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I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
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You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
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On a traffic light green means 'go' and yellow means 'yield', but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means 'hold on,' yellow means 'go ahead,' and red means, 'where the hell did you get that banana at?'
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The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
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Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.
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I had a chicken finger that was so big, it was a chicken hand.
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I tried to have a cookie, and this girl said, I'm mailing those cookies to my friend. So I couldn't have one. You shouldn't make cookies untouchable.
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If you have to release bad news to the public, it would help if you are not ugly.
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A friend gave me a drug for attention deficit disorder, because he's afflicted, but I'm not. So what happened to me is I suddenly had an extra-long attention span. People would tell me a story, and it would end, and I'd get all mad. Come on, man, there has to be more to that story.
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I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
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They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime. I tried to make it at home. There's more to it than that.
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I met the girl who works at the Doubletree front desk, she gave me her number. It's ZERO. I tried to call from here, some other woman answered. You sound older!
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I went to a pizzeria. The guy gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart with what would you do if you found a million dollars, he gave me the Donate it to charity slice. I'd like to exchange this for the 'Keep it!'
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I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.
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My friend said to me, You know what I like? Mashed potatoes. I was like, Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause.
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A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
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I've never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.
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