Quote

I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.

Mitch Hedberg

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Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Circles
Sitting
Love
Semi
Gamble
Addicted
Gambling
Circle

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I've never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.
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I'd hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.
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My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. Come on, four billion! Darn! Seven. Not even close. I need more dice.
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The commercial for Diet Dr. Pepper says it tastes just like regular Dr. Pepper. Well, then they screwed up!
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I want to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It'd have to be real big.
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I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow anything. Hey, how about some celery? Plus, if I tore your legs off, you would look like snowmen.
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I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. It did not need to exist.
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I got some tartar-control toothpaste a while back. I've still got tartar, but it's under control.
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I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because I tried to walk out, and had to slam the flap.
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I wrote a script, and I gave it to a guy who reads scripts, and he read it, and he liked it, but he said he thinks I ought to re-write it. I said, Fuck that - I'll just make a copy!
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A dog came to my door, so I gave him a bone, the dog took the bone into the back yard and buried it. I'm going to go plant a tree there, with bones on it, then the dog will come back and say, Shoot! It worked! I must distribute these bones equally for I have a green paw!
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My manager said, Don't use liquor as a crutch! I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk.
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I have a few cavities. I don't like to call them cavities, though - I like to call them 'places to put stuff'. 'Do you know where I can store a pea' 'Yes, I have some locations available.'
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I like it when you buy something and pay with a credit card, they put your credit card on the receipt, but only the last four numbers. Aha! I'm really good at guessing twelve numbers. I can't guess 16 numbers, so thanks for the assistance!
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I can't wait to get off the stage, because I've got some LifeSavers in my pocket and pineapple is next!
Mitch Hedberg
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I travel with a boom box. When I get on a plane, I stuff the power cord for the boom box into the battery compartment. From an outsider's point of view, it looks like I've got it all wrong.
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I like cinnamon rolls, but I don't always have time to make a pan. That's why I wish they would sell cinnamon roll incense. After all I'd rather light a stick and have my roommate wake up with false hopes.
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I love my fed-ex guy cause he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it...and he's always on time.
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I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.
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Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree.
Mitch Hedberg