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I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

Mitch Hedberg

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Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Funny
Caring
Always
Dollars
Seven
Sick
Humor
Lose
Pens
Comedy
Dollar
Loses
Bought

More quotes by Mitch Hedberg

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I've never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.
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I travel with a boom box. When I get on a plane, I stuff the power cord for the boom box into the battery compartment. From an outsider's point of view, it looks like I've got it all wrong.
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I was going to stay overnight at my friend's house - he said, you'll have to sleep on the floor. Damn gravity! You don't know how bad I wanted to sleep on the wall.
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Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.
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Mitch's Pizzaria... this week's coupon: unlimited free pizza. Special Note: coupon not good at any of the Mitch's Pizza locations. Free pizza oven with purchase of a small Coke. Two-for Tuesday: buy one pizza, get one franchise free.
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When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn't get out, something is seriously wrong.
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I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, this is not a library! OK! I will talk louder, then!
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I made $3,000 opening for the Neville Brothers, and they paid me in cash. That was a bad situation, because I bought ridiculous stuff. I bought a snake bite emergency kit. Then I said to my friends, Don't even worry about snakes anymore. My friend stepped on a worm, and I said, Lay down!
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If you want to talk to me after the show, I'd be surprised.
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Then let's print up some flyers!
Mitch Hedberg
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I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.
Mitch Hedberg
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I like cottage cheese. That's why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.
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Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?
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Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
Mitch Hedberg
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Last time I called shotgun we had rented a limo, so I messed up!
Mitch Hedberg
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I went to a tent store. What kind of tent do you need? Circus.
Mitch Hedberg
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Knock on wood is a saying for good luck. I think that started when someone went to someone's door to see if someone was home. I hope Joe's home, knock on wood!
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Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupus... one of those two doesn't sound right.
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Earlier I`ve done hatever I could get my hands on to do for a living. I tried a couple of different things, but kitchen work was the best for me, because I took to a nomadic lifestyle before I started doing comedy. If you travel and get to a town and need a job, restaurants are always there.
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I'm a mumbler. If I'm walking with a friend, and I say something, he says, What? So I say it again, and he says, What? Really, it's just some insignificant stuff I'm saying, but now I'm yelling, That tree is far away!
Mitch Hedberg