Share
×
Inspirational Quotes
Authors
Professions
Topics
Tags
Quote
This shirt is dry-clean only... Which means it's dirty.
Mitch Hedberg
Share
Change background
T
T
T
Change font
Original
TAGS & TOPICS
Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Shirts
Witty
Humorous
Dirty
Clean
Funny
Naughty
Means
Shirt
Mean
Dry
More quotes by Mitch Hedberg
Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
Mitch Hedberg
I don't want to have my face on the cover of a Wheaties box. I wanna have my face on the cover of a Rice Krispies box. Snap, Krackle, Mitch and Pop!
Mitch Hedberg
I want to be a rebellious McDonald's owner. Cheeseburgers... NOPE... we got spaghetti!
Mitch Hedberg
I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.
Mitch Hedberg
A fly was very close to being called a land, because that's what it does half the time.
Mitch Hedberg
The next time I move I hope I get a real easy phone number, something like 2222222. People will ask, Mitch, how do I get a hold of you? I'll say, Just press two for a while, when I answer, you'll know that you've pressed two enough.
Mitch Hedberg
I got a smoke alarm at home, but really it's more like a 9-volt-battery-slowly-drainer.
Mitch Hedberg
I went to a tent store. What kind of tent do you need? Circus.
Mitch Hedberg
I hate flossing, I wish I just had one long curvy tooth. They didn't have to make separations for me.
Mitch Hedberg
It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?
Mitch Hedberg
I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow anything. Hey, how about some celery? Plus, if I tore your legs off, you would look like snowmen.
Mitch Hedberg
I wrote a script, and I gave it to a guy who reads scripts, and he read it, and he liked it, but he said he thinks I ought to re-write it. I said, Fuck that - I'll just make a copy!
Mitch Hedberg
The Kit Kat candy bar has the name Kit Kat imprinted into the chocolate. That robs you of chocolate! That's a clever chocolate-saving technique.
Mitch Hedberg
I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. It did not need to exist.
Mitch Hedberg
People ask me for my autograph after a show. I'm not famous, I think they're messing with me. I think they're trying to make me late for something.
Mitch Hedberg
I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add er.
Mitch Hedberg
I had a box of Ritz crackers, and on the back of the box, they had all these suggestions for what to put on top of the Ritz. Try it with cheese. Try it with peanut butter. Come on, man, they're crackers, that's why I got them. I like crackers! I didn't buy them because they're little edible plates!
Mitch Hedberg
I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes I will drop it so that is achieves its maximum flavor potential.
Mitch Hedberg
If you have to release bad news to the public, it would help if you are not ugly.
Mitch Hedberg
P.S. - This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.
Mitch Hedberg
