Quote

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Mitch Hedberg

Change background

T
T
T

Change font

TAGS & TOPICS

Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Every
Planet
Time
Gonna
Planets
Humor
Comedy
Shave
Funny
Shaving
Else
Assume
Someone
Assuming

More quotes by Mitch Hedberg

Image
I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I wrote my friend a letter using a highlighting pen. But he could not read it, he thought I was trying to show him certain parts of a piece of paper.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I think Pringles initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles is a laid back company. They said, Screw it. Cut 'em up!
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I've got a wallet, it's orange. In case I wanna buy a deer. That doesn't make any sense at all.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I got binoculars 'cause I don't want to go that close.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run, he's fuzzy, get out of here.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I like it when you buy something and pay with a credit card, they put your credit card on the receipt, but only the last four numbers. Aha! I'm really good at guessing twelve numbers. I can't guess 16 numbers, so thanks for the assistance!
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I wrote a script, and I gave it to a guy who reads scripts, and he read it, and he liked it, but he said he thinks I ought to re-write it. I said, Fuck that - I'll just make a copy!
Mitch Hedberg
Image
They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime. I tried to make it at home. There's more to it than that.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
If you're a fish and you want to be a fish-stick, you have to have very good posture.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I heard a guy tell me he liked cherries. I waited to hear if he was going to say tomatoes, then I realized he like cherries just. That joke is ridiculous.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I think a rotisserie is like a really morbid ferris wheel for chickens. It’s a strange piece of machinery . . . We will take the chicken, kill it, impale it, and then rotate it. And I’ll be damned if I’m not hungry! Because spinning chicken carcasses make my mouth water! I like dizzy chicken. With a side of potatoes of some sort.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I don't know how to fix a car. If the car breaks down, and the gas tank does not say E, I'm screwed. But if the gas tank says E, I get all cocky - I've got this one, don't worry. So I get out the toolbox AKA wallet.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupus... one of those two doesn't sound right.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I have a few cavities. I don't like to call them cavities, though - I like to call them 'places to put stuff'. 'Do you know where I can store a pea' 'Yes, I have some locations available.'
Mitch Hedberg