Share
×
Inspirational Quotes
Authors
Professions
Topics
Tags
Quote
It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.
Mitch Hedberg
Share
Change background
T
T
T
Change font
Original
TAGS & TOPICS
Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
People
Wave
Humor
Dangerous
Comedy
Funny
Hands
Think
Thinking
Cocky
More quotes by Mitch Hedberg
Look at the limes in this drink, how they float. That's good news. Next time I'm on a boat, and it capsizes, I will reach for a lime. I'm saved by the buoyancy of citrus.
Mitch Hedberg
I want to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It'd have to be real big.
Mitch Hedberg
I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
Mitch Hedberg
I can't wait to get off the stage, because I've got some LifeSavers in my pocket and pineapple is next!
Mitch Hedberg
If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.
Mitch Hedberg
I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because I tried to walk out, and had to slam the flap.
Mitch Hedberg
I went to a pizzeria. The guy gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart with what would you do if you found a million dollars, he gave me the Donate it to charity slice. I'd like to exchange this for the 'Keep it!'
Mitch Hedberg
I saw soda pop for $1.20 a six pack. That price messes with your head. You start thinking you're gonna sell soda pop. Suddenly I've got packs of pop with me. Looking to buy some pop? 50 cents a can. It's not refrigerated because this is a half-assed commitment!
Mitch Hedberg
Kittens play with yarn, they bat it around. What they're really doing is saying, I can't knit, get this away from me!
Mitch Hedberg
Xylophone is spelled with an X. That's wrong. It should be a Z up front. Next time you spell xylophone, use a Z. If someone says, That's wrong!, you say, No, it ain't. If you think that's wrong, then you need to have your head Z-rayed.
Mitch Hedberg
Then let's print up some flyers!
Mitch Hedberg
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
Mitch Hedberg
Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
Mitch Hedberg
This shirt is dry-clean only... Which means it's dirty.
Mitch Hedberg
I'd hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.
Mitch Hedberg
I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.
Mitch Hedberg
I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.
Mitch Hedberg
You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
Mitch Hedberg
A friend gave me a drug for attention deficit disorder, because he's afflicted, but I'm not. So what happened to me is I suddenly had an extra-long attention span. People would tell me a story, and it would end, and I'd get all mad. Come on, man, there has to be more to that story.
Mitch Hedberg
I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.
Mitch Hedberg
