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I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
Mitch Hedberg
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Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Comedy
Funny
Tell
Headlights
Look
Cars
Looks
Car
Way
Exactly
Men
Humor
Coming
More quotes by Mitch Hedberg
If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals. You will run out.
Mitch Hedberg
I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
Mitch Hedberg
I think Pringles initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles is a laid back company. They said, Screw it. Cut 'em up!
Mitch Hedberg
Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
Mitch Hedberg
I like baked potatoes. I don't have a microwave oven, and it takes forever to bake a potato in a conventional oven. Sometimes I'll just throw one in there, even if I don't want one, because by the time it's done, who knows?
Mitch Hedberg
A sleeping bag is a tortilla for a human.
Mitch Hedberg
Look at the limes in this drink, how they float. That's good news. Next time I'm on a boat, and it capsizes, I will reach for a lime. I'm saved by the buoyancy of citrus.
Mitch Hedberg
As a comedian, you have to start the show strong and you have to end the show strong. Those are the two key elements. You can't be like pancakes. You're all happy at first, but then by the end, you're sick of 'em.
Mitch Hedberg
I hate flossing, I wish I just had one long curvy tooth. They didn't have to make separations for me.
Mitch Hedberg
My girlfriend works at Hooters. In the kitchen.
Mitch Hedberg
I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes I will drop it so that is achieves its maximum flavor potential.
Mitch Hedberg
Last time I called shotgun we had rented a limo, so I messed up!
Mitch Hedberg
I am wearing a vest. If I had no arms, it would be a jacket.
Mitch Hedberg
I thought I'd go to a craft fair, and there would be a jar of jellybeans there - Guess how many jellybeans are in this jar, and win a prize. Aw, come on, man, let just me have some. I'll tell you what, guess how many jellybeans I want! If you guessed a handful, you are right.
Mitch Hedberg
I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. It did not need to exist.
Mitch Hedberg
I wrote my friend a letter using a highlighting pen. But he could not read it, he thought I was trying to show him certain parts of a piece of paper.
Mitch Hedberg
People think I'm into sports because I'm a man. But I'm not into sports. I like Gatorade, but that's about as far as it goes. By the way, you don't have to be sweaty and play basketball to enjoy Gatorade. You can just be a thirsty dude. Gatorade forgets about this demographic!
Mitch Hedberg
I like cinnamon rolls, but I don't always have time to make a pan. That's why I wish they would sell cinnamon roll incense. After all I'd rather light a stick and have my roommate wake up with false hopes.
Mitch Hedberg
Have you ever tried sugar or PCP?
Mitch Hedberg
My manager said, Don't use liquor as a crutch! I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk.
Mitch Hedberg
