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The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
Mitch Hedberg
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Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Thing
Good
Never
Depressing
Tennis
Wall
Humor
Funny
Matter
More quotes by Mitch Hedberg
It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?
Mitch Hedberg
I went to the Home Depot, which was unnecessary. I need to go to the Apartment Depot. Which is just a big warehouse with a whole lot of people standing around saying We don't have to fix anything.
Mitch Hedberg
Knock on wood is a saying for good luck. I think that started when someone went to someone's door to see if someone was home. I hope Joe's home, knock on wood!
Mitch Hedberg
When I was on acid, I would see things like beams of light and I would hear sounds that sounded an awful lot like car horns.
Mitch Hedberg
I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord.
Mitch Hedberg
My girlfriend works at Hooters. In the kitchen.
Mitch Hedberg
I want to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It'd have to be real big.
Mitch Hedberg
I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
Mitch Hedberg
I can't eat spaghetti. There's too many of them.
Mitch Hedberg
I went to a cigar store, the man behind the counter asked me, What kind of cigars do you like? I answered, It's a Boys.
Mitch Hedberg
I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is really clean. I would imagine a vodka bottle is really drunk.
Mitch Hedberg
I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, I'll just get a tan instead.
Mitch Hedberg
Foosball screwed up my perception of soccer. I though you had to kick the ball and then spin around and around. I can't do a back flip, much less several simultaneously with two other guys.
Mitch Hedberg
I like baked potatoes. I don't have a microwave oven, and it takes forever to bake a potato in a conventional oven. Sometimes I'll just throw one in there, even if I don't want one, because by the time it's done, who knows?
Mitch Hedberg
I can't wait to get off the stage, because I've got some LifeSavers in my pocket and pineapple is next!
Mitch Hedberg
I bought a house, it's a two bedroom house, but I think it's up to me to decide how many bedrooms there are. This bedroom has an oven in it. This bedroom has a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom is over in that other guy's house.
Mitch Hedberg
I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
Mitch Hedberg
I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
Mitch Hedberg
I love my fed-ex guy cause he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it...and he's always on time.
Mitch Hedberg
I hate arrows. They try to tell me which direction to go. It's like I ain't going that way, line with two thirds of a triangle on the end!
Mitch Hedberg
