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I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

Mitch Hedberg

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Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Wanted
Candle
Cake
Store
Birthday
Stores
Humor
Funny
Didn
Holder

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I have found when I look at an audience that the expressions on the peoples' faces aren't always up to par with the sounds that they're making. A crowd can sound like they're having a good time when your eyes are closed but if you open your eyes, the looks on some of those faces don't equal the sound.
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I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes I will drop it so that is achieves its maximum flavor potential.
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My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. Come on, four billion! Darn! Seven. Not even close. I need more dice.
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I got an ant farm them fellas didn't grow sh*t.
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It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.
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I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.
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I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
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If you drink O'Douls, you don't drink but if you drink 20 O'Douls in a half hour, then you're a non-alcoholic.
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The next time I move I hope I get a real easy phone number, something like 2222222. People will ask, Mitch, how do I get a hold of you? I'll say, Just press two for a while, when I answer, you'll know that you've pressed two enough.
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Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
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They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime. I tried to make it at home. There's more to it than that.
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When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn't get out, something is seriously wrong.
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I had a chicken finger that was so big, it was a chicken hand.
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There was a product on late night TV that you could attach to your garden hose - You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this. Who would make their plants hard to reach? That seems so very mean. I know you need water, but I'm going to make you hard to reach. Think like a cactus!
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I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, Dude, you have to wait.
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If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.
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I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.
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2-in-1 is a stupid term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created.
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I have an oscillating fan at my house. It goes back and forth. It looks like the fan is saying no. So I like to ask it questions that a fan would say no to! Do you keep my hair in place? Do you keep my documents in order? Do you have 3 settings? LIAR! My fan lied to me. Now I will pull the pin up. Now you're not saying ANYTHING!
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A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef.
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