Quote

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

Mitch Hedberg

Change background

T
T
T

Change font

TAGS & TOPICS

Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Didn
Sticks
Carefree
Back
Soon
Pondering
Work
Humor
Blowing
Good
Comedy
Bubble
Pretty
Flavor
Funny
Bubbles
Lost
Mortality
Felt
Stick
Gum

More quotes by Mitch Hedberg

Image
Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I mumble a lot when im off stage, so a lot of times when im with a friend i'll say something and he'll be like what, and i'll say it again and he'll be like what, and i'll say it again and he'll still be like what, so now he's got me yellin. Man that tree is far away
Mitch Hedberg
Image
There was a product on late night TV that you could attach to your garden hose - You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this. Who would make their plants hard to reach? That seems so very mean. I know you need water, but I'm going to make you hard to reach. Think like a cactus!
Mitch Hedberg
Image
When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
Mitch's Pizzaria... this week's coupon: unlimited free pizza. Special Note: coupon not good at any of the Mitch's Pizza locations. Free pizza oven with purchase of a small Coke. Two-for Tuesday: buy one pizza, get one franchise free.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I don't want to have my face on the cover of a Wheaties box. I wanna have my face on the cover of a Rice Krispies box. Snap, Krackle, Mitch and Pop!
Mitch Hedberg
Image
Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I tried to freshen up a room, so I held a Certs in front of a fan.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
The only way I could get my old CD into stores is if I took one in and leave it. Sir, you forgot this. No, I did not. That is for sale. Please alphabetize it.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!
Mitch Hedberg
Image
If you drink O'Douls, you don't drink but if you drink 20 O'Douls in a half hour, then you're a non-alcoholic.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
My girlfriend is named Lynn. She spells her name Lynn. My old girlfriend's name is Lyn, too, but she spells it Lyn. Every now and then I screw up, I call my new girlfriend by my old girlfriend's name, and she can tell because I don't say n as long.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, I'll just get a tan instead.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
How does a sesame seed stick to a bun? That's magical. There must be some sesame seed glue out there. Either that or they're adhesive on one side. Peel off the backing, place it on the bun.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
Last time I called shotgun we had rented a limo, so I messed up!
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves. It’s kind of sad. Okay you don’t think you’ll ever make it as a musician, but last night you saw a translucent caveman.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
Onions make me sad. A lot of people don't realize that.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
P.S. - This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.
Mitch Hedberg