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I've got a bit of Scottish Blood... On my kitchen knife!!

Milton Jones

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Milton Jones
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 16
Comedian
Stand-Up Comedian
Milton Hywel Jones
Knives
Kitchen
Humor
Blood
Bits
Funny
Scottish
Knife

More quotes by Milton Jones

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I'm very English really. I even ordered a book on the internet, 'how to have absolutely nothing to do with your neighbors'. Unfortunately I was out when it was delivered.
Milton Jones
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Here's a picture of me with REM. That's me in the corner.
Milton Jones
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If you're depressed and called Morgan spend the first half of the day in Germany for some positive affirmation.
Milton Jones
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My parents said they had to make a lot of sacrifices to pay for my education... because they were both druids.
Milton Jones
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I got arrested for playing chess in the street. I said, it's because I'm black, isn't it.
Milton Jones
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If they make it illegal to wear the veil at work, bee keepers are going to be furious.
Milton Jones
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As a child I watched Mary Poppins so many times I suffered from a condition with my sight. Umdiddleiddleiddleumdiddle Eye.
Milton Jones
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I have a nut allergy. When I was at school the other children used to make me play Russian roulette but force-feeding me a packet of Revels.
Milton Jones
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I lost my job as a cricket commentator for saying I don't want to bore you with the details.
Milton Jones
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To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet ... you can hide but you can't run.
Milton Jones
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My wife... its difficult to say what she does... she sells seashells on the seashore.
Milton Jones
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The worst job I ever had was as a forensicologist for the United Nations. One time I thought I'd come across the mass grave of a thousand snowmen, but it turns out it was just a field of carrots.
Milton Jones
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I don't know if you've ever fallen asleep whilst eating a plate of cauliflower, and then woken up, and thought you were in the clouds.
Milton Jones
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I recently bought the box set of 'Doctor Who' and watched it back to back, Unfortunately I wasn't the one facing the TV!
Milton Jones
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A lot of people like cats. Take the Pope, for example: I read recently that he was a cat-oholic!
Milton Jones
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Most of my relatives are police marksmen, apart from my grandad who was a bank robber. He died recently, surrounded by his family.
Milton Jones
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You know the animal that kills the most people in the world? The Hepatitis Bee.
Milton Jones
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I hate sitting in traffic, because I always get run over.
Milton Jones
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The pollen count, now that's a difficult job. Especially if you've got hay fever.
Milton Jones
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About a month before he died, my grandfather, we covered his back full of lard - after that he went downhill very quickly.
Milton Jones