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About a month before he died, my grandfather, we covered his back full of lard - after that he went downhill very quickly.
Milton Jones
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Milton Jones
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 16
Comedian
Stand-Up Comedian
Milton Hywel Jones
Died
Months
Humor
Lard
Went
Downhill
Full
Grandfather
Funny
Month
Back
Covered
Quickly
More quotes by Milton Jones
My grandfather invented the cold air balloon... But it never really took off.
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Most of my relatives are police marksmen, apart from my grandad who was a bank robber. He died recently, surrounded by his family.
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I hate sitting in traffic, because I always get run over.
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I got arrested for playing chess in the street. I said, it's because I'm black, isn't it.
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The pollen count, now that's a difficult job. Especially if you've got hay fever.
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I lost my job as a cricket commentator for saying I don't want to bore you with the details.
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To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet ... you can hide but you can't run.
Milton Jones
The worst job I ever had was as a forensicologist for the United Nations. One time I thought I'd come across the mass grave of a thousand snowmen, but it turns out it was just a field of carrots.
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I have a nut allergy. When I was at school the other children used to make me play Russian roulette but force-feeding me a packet of Revels.
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Here's a picture of me with REM. That's me in the corner.
Milton Jones
I'm very English really. I even ordered a book on the internet, 'how to have absolutely nothing to do with your neighbors'. Unfortunately I was out when it was delivered.
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A lot of people like cats. Take the Pope, for example: I read recently that he was a cat-oholic!
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You know the animal that kills the most people in the world? The Hepatitis Bee.
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I went out with this girl the other night, she wore this real slinky number...She looked great going down the stairs.
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If you're depressed and called Morgan spend the first half of the day in Germany for some positive affirmation.
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If they make it illegal to wear the veil at work, bee keepers are going to be furious.
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I don't know if you've ever fallen asleep whilst eating a plate of cauliflower, and then woken up, and thought you were in the clouds.
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My parents said they had to make a lot of sacrifices to pay for my education... because they were both druids.
Milton Jones
I recently bought the box set of 'Doctor Who' and watched it back to back, Unfortunately I wasn't the one facing the TV!
Milton Jones
My wife... its difficult to say what she does... she sells seashells on the seashore.
Milton Jones
