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About a month before he died, my grandfather, we covered his back full of lard - after that he went downhill very quickly.
Milton Jones
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Milton Jones
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 16
Comedian
Stand-Up Comedian
Milton Hywel Jones
Full
Grandfather
Funny
Month
Back
Covered
Quickly
Died
Months
Humor
Lard
Went
Downhill
More quotes by Milton Jones
I went out with this girl the other night, she wore this real slinky number...She looked great going down the stairs.
Milton Jones
I got arrested for playing chess in the street. I said, it's because I'm black, isn't it.
Milton Jones
I've got a bit of Scottish Blood... On my kitchen knife!!
Milton Jones
I lost my job as a cricket commentator for saying I don't want to bore you with the details.
Milton Jones
As a child I watched Mary Poppins so many times I suffered from a condition with my sight. Umdiddleiddleiddleumdiddle Eye.
Milton Jones
If you're depressed and called Morgan spend the first half of the day in Germany for some positive affirmation.
Milton Jones
My grandfather invented the cold air balloon... But it never really took off.
Milton Jones
My parents said they had to make a lot of sacrifices to pay for my education... because they were both druids.
Milton Jones
Most of my relatives are police marksmen, apart from my grandad who was a bank robber. He died recently, surrounded by his family.
Milton Jones
I hate sitting in traffic, because I always get run over.
Milton Jones
To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet ... you can hide but you can't run.
Milton Jones
A lot of people like cats. Take the Pope, for example: I read recently that he was a cat-oholic!
Milton Jones
The worst job I ever had was as a forensicologist for the United Nations. One time I thought I'd come across the mass grave of a thousand snowmen, but it turns out it was just a field of carrots.
Milton Jones
I have a nut allergy. When I was at school the other children used to make me play Russian roulette but force-feeding me a packet of Revels.
Milton Jones
I don't know if you've ever fallen asleep whilst eating a plate of cauliflower, and then woken up, and thought you were in the clouds.
Milton Jones
You know the animal that kills the most people in the world? The Hepatitis Bee.
Milton Jones
I'm very English really. I even ordered a book on the internet, 'how to have absolutely nothing to do with your neighbors'. Unfortunately I was out when it was delivered.
Milton Jones
If they make it illegal to wear the veil at work, bee keepers are going to be furious.
Milton Jones
Here's a picture of me with REM. That's me in the corner.
Milton Jones
My wife... its difficult to say what she does... she sells seashells on the seashore.
Milton Jones
