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My wife calls our waterbed the Dead Sea.

Milton Berle

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Milton Berle
Age: 93 †
Born: 1908
Born: July 12
Died: 2002
Died: March 27
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Presenter
New York City
New York
Calls
Sea
Dead
Wife

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One teacher recently retired with a half-million dollars after 30 years of working hard, caring, dedicating herself and totally immensing herself in the problems of the students. That gave her $50. The rest of the money came from the death of a rich uncle.
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Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?
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I can't tell you his age, but when he was born the wonder drug was Mercurochrome.
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You're aging when your actions creak louder than your words.
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I have a brother who is afraid to go to sleep, he dreams he's working.
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For every studen with a spark of brilliance, there are about ten with ignition trouble.
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In the suburbs it's hard to buy your Christmas gifts early in the year. You never know who your friends will be in December.
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Sir, I didn't deserve the grade you gave me on this test. Do you know a lower one?
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Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.
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Just remember, golf is flog spelled backwards.
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I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat.
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I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn't give her a fancy gift. And I didn't.
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It's rough to go through life with your contents looking as if they settled during shipping.
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If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
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Every year my boss used to give me a bottle of expensive brandy because I'd told him that my doctor suggested a drink once in a while. This year my boss gave me the name of a new doctor.
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My wife can't figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who's had everything up to here?
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Do you want to feel insecure? Count the number of Christmas cards you sent out, and then count those you received.
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For Christmas the just came out with a battery-operated battery. But the batteries aren't included.
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Santa is having a tough time this year. Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized list
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Nowadays, when a speaker tells the graduates that the future is theirs--is that a promise or a threat?
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