Quote

I don't mind personal insults, but when you insult the jokes that I tell you're insulting Fred Allen, Bob Hope, Burns and Allen, Trevor McGee and Molly Picon.

Milton Berle

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Milton Berle
Age: 93 †
Born: 1908
Born: July 12
Died: 2002
Died: March 27
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Presenter
New York City
New York
Personal
Insults
Hope
Fred
Tell
Allen
Mind
Insulting
Burns
Bob
Insult
Trevor
Jokes
Molly

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My wife can't figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who's had everything up to here?
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The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring.
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I bought my son an indestructible toy. Yesterday he left it in the driveway. It broke my car.
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It was a tough school. The kids on the debating team took steroids!
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My wife calls our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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You're aging when your actions creak louder than your words.
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Our tree was so puny we used orthopedic bulbs.
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Folk who don't know why America is the Land of Promise should be here during an election campaign.
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On Valentine's Day, I wired flowers for my mother-in-law, but she found the fuse.
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My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.
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Nowadays, when a speaker tells the graduates that the future is theirs--is that a promise or a threat?
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I have a brother who is afraid to go to sleep, he dreams he's working.
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A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
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Talk about cheap - on Christmas Eve, my neighbour shoots off three blanks and tells his kids Santa Claus just committed suicide.
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I take New Years with a grain of salt and three aspirins.
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In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn't say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours.
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A man is hit by a car while crossing a Beverly Hills street. A woman rushes to him and cradles his head in her lap, asking, Are you comfortable? The man answers, I make a nice living.
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Do you realise that Eve was the only woman who ever took a man's side?
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I just bought a great gift for my boss - a leaky ant farm.
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War toys are scary. They have a rocket launcher with a bayonet attached, in case you miss.
Milton Berle