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I like to think of myself as the middleman between Fred Allen and Henny Youngman.

Milton Berle

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Milton Berle
Age: 93 †
Born: 1908
Born: July 12
Died: 2002
Died: March 27
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Presenter
New York City
New York
Think
Thinking
Like
Middleman
Middlemen
Fred
Allen

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Sir, I didn't deserve the grade you gave me on this test. Do you know a lower one?
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I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat.
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This is how it is today: The teachers are afraid of the principals. The principals are afraid of the superintendents. The superintendents are afraid of the board of education. The board is afraid of the parents. The parents are afraid of the children. The children are afraid of nothing!
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Just remember, golf is flog spelled backwards.
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The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring.
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Do you realise that Eve was the only woman who ever took a man's side?
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Our tree was so puny we used orthopedic bulbs.
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The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.
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I bought an ideal gift for my mother-in-law - a battery-operated mouth.
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It's rough to go through life with your contents looking as if they settled during shipping.
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One teacher recently retired with a half-million dollars after 30 years of working hard, caring, dedicating herself and totally immensing herself in the problems of the students. That gave her $50. The rest of the money came from the death of a rich uncle.
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My wife can't figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who's had everything up to here?
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I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn't give her a fancy gift. And I didn't.
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I just bought a great gift for my boss - a leaky ant farm.
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I don't worry too much about sex education in the schools. If the kids learn it like they do everything else, they won't know how.
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I bought my son a bat for Christmas. On New Year's it flew away.
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I was in a department store and I saw a weird-looking gadget. I asked the young saleslady what it was. She answered, It doesn't do anything. It's just a Christmas gift.
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Every year my boss used to give me a bottle of expensive brandy because I'd told him that my doctor suggested a drink once in a while. This year my boss gave me the name of a new doctor.
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My wife calls our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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My son asked for very little - a kickstand, with a motorcycle attached.
Milton Berle