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I like to think of myself as the middleman between Fred Allen and Henny Youngman.

Milton Berle

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Milton Berle
Age: 93 †
Born: 1908
Born: July 12
Died: 2002
Died: March 27
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Presenter
New York City
New York
Thinking
Like
Middleman
Middlemen
Fred
Allen
Think

More quotes by Milton Berle

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At eighty-two, I feel like a twenty-year-old, but, unfortunately, there's never one around.
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She was nice to him on Valentine's Day. She gave him a heart-shaped rash.
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Every year my boss used to give me a bottle of expensive brandy because I'd told him that my doctor suggested a drink once in a while. This year my boss gave me the name of a new doctor.
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I bought my son an indestructible toy. Yesterday he left it in the driveway. It broke my car.
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I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank?
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My wife and I were shopping for the whole family. In the music department my wife said, Let's get your nephew a set of drums. That's what your brother did to us last year.
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All my wife wanted for Valentine's Day was a little card - American Express.
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My wife can't figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who's had everything up to here?
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I bought an ideal gift for my mother-in-law - a battery-operated mouth.
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I bought my mother-in-law a beautiful chair for Christmas, but she won't let me plug it in.
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One of those Christmas songs says, You better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout. How's my wife going to get along?
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This is how it is today: The teachers are afraid of the principals. The principals are afraid of the superintendents. The superintendents are afraid of the board of education. The board is afraid of the parents. The parents are afraid of the children. The children are afraid of nothing!
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Laughter is the best medicine in the world.
Milton Berle
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I don't worry too much about sex education in the schools. If the kids learn it like they do everything else, they won't know how.
Milton Berle
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If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
Milton Berle
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If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.
Milton Berle
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Do you want to feel insecure? Count the number of Christmas cards you sent out, and then count those you received.
Milton Berle
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I know why superman left krypton. Earth was the only place where he could get steriods!
Milton Berle
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The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.
Milton Berle
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Santa is having a tough time this year. Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized list
Milton Berle