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I like to think of myself as the middleman between Fred Allen and Henny Youngman.

Milton Berle

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Milton Berle
Age: 93 †
Born: 1908
Born: July 12
Died: 2002
Died: March 27
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Presenter
New York City
New York
Middleman
Middlemen
Fred
Allen
Think
Thinking
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More quotes by Milton Berle

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Sir, I didn't deserve the grade you gave me on this test. Do you know a lower one?
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I just bought a great gift for my boss - a leaky ant farm.
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If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door, but only as long as it's not visible from the street.
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For every studen with a spark of brilliance, there are about ten with ignition trouble.
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I take New Years with a grain of salt and three aspirins.
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Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is.
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My son asked for very little - a kickstand, with a motorcycle attached.
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This is how it is today: The teachers are afraid of the principals. The principals are afraid of the superintendents. The superintendents are afraid of the board of education. The board is afraid of the parents. The parents are afraid of the children. The children are afraid of nothing!
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Every year my boss used to give me a bottle of expensive brandy because I'd told him that my doctor suggested a drink once in a while. This year my boss gave me the name of a new doctor.
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I was in a department store and I saw a weird-looking gadget. I asked the young saleslady what it was. She answered, It doesn't do anything. It's just a Christmas gift.
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In the suburbs it's hard to buy your Christmas gifts early in the year. You never know who your friends will be in December.
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Money can't buy you happiness. It just helps you look for it in more places.
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For Christmas the just came out with a battery-operated battery. But the batteries aren't included.
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At eighty-two, I feel like a twenty-year-old, but, unfortunately, there's never one around.
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One teacher recently retired with a half-million dollars after 30 years of working hard, caring, dedicating herself and totally immensing herself in the problems of the students. That gave her $50. The rest of the money came from the death of a rich uncle.
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My wife can't figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who's had everything up to here?
Milton Berle
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If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
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I know why superman left krypton. Earth was the only place where he could get steriods!
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There are a lot of things money can't buy. Not one of them is on my son's list.
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You're aging when your actions creak louder than your words.
Milton Berle