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I like to think of myself as the middleman between Fred Allen and Henny Youngman.

Milton Berle

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Milton Berle
Age: 93 †
Born: 1908
Born: July 12
Died: 2002
Died: March 27
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Presenter
New York City
New York
Fred
Allen
Think
Thinking
Like
Middleman
Middlemen

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Sir, I didn't deserve the grade you gave me on this test. Do you know a lower one?
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Our tree was so puny we used orthopedic bulbs.
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I don't worry too much about sex education in the schools. If the kids learn it like they do everything else, they won't know how.
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I know why superman left krypton. Earth was the only place where he could get steriods!
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I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat.
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My wife can't figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who's had everything up to here?
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One teacher recently retired with a half-million dollars after 30 years of working hard, caring, dedicating herself and totally immensing herself in the problems of the students. That gave her $50. The rest of the money came from the death of a rich uncle.
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Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.
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Santa is having a tough time this year. Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized list
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All my wife wanted for Valentine's Day was a little card - American Express.
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Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.
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They've got plastic Christmas trees now. They're hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.
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In the suburbs it's hard to buy your Christmas gifts early in the year. You never know who your friends will be in December.
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If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.
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Now that doctors have stopped making house calls, lots of patients now have to die without their help.
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The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring.
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It was a tough school. The kids on the debating team took steroids!
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My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don't try to run her life, and I don't try to run mine.
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Do you realise that Eve was the only woman who ever took a man's side?
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A man is hit by a car while crossing a Beverly Hills street. A woman rushes to him and cradles his head in her lap, asking, Are you comfortable? The man answers, I make a nice living.
Milton Berle