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I take New Years with a grain of salt and three aspirins.

Milton Berle

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Milton Berle
Age: 93 †
Born: 1908
Born: July 12
Died: 2002
Died: March 27
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Presenter
New York City
New York
Three
Take
Years
Aspirin
Grain
Salt

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Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.
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If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
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All my wife wanted for Valentine's Day was a little card - American Express.
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War toys are scary. They have a rocket launcher with a bayonet attached, in case you miss.
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Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.
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My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.
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For Christmas the just came out with a battery-operated battery. But the batteries aren't included.
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Our tree was so puny we used orthopedic bulbs.
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I like to think of myself as the middleman between Fred Allen and Henny Youngman.
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I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat.
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I just bought a great gift for my boss - a leaky ant farm.
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They've got plastic Christmas trees now. They're hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.
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For every studen with a spark of brilliance, there are about ten with ignition trouble.
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I can't tell you his age, but when he was born the wonder drug was Mercurochrome.
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I have a brother who is afraid to go to sleep, he dreams he's working.
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My wife can't figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who's had everything up to here?
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At eighty-two, I feel like a twenty-year-old, but, unfortunately, there's never one around.
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She was nice to him on Valentine's Day. She gave him a heart-shaped rash.
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Do you want to feel insecure? Count the number of Christmas cards you sent out, and then count those you received.
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Laughter is the best medicine in the world.
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