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I take New Years with a grain of salt and three aspirins.

Milton Berle

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Milton Berle
Age: 93 †
Born: 1908
Born: July 12
Died: 2002
Died: March 27
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Presenter
New York City
New York
Aspirin
Grain
Salt
Three
Take
Years

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My wife calls our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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War toys are scary. They have a rocket launcher with a bayonet attached, in case you miss.
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A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, Did you miss a step? No, he answers, I hit every one of them!
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A man is hit by a car while crossing a Beverly Hills street. A woman rushes to him and cradles his head in her lap, asking, Are you comfortable? The man answers, I make a nice living.
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Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?
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It's amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!
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One teacher recently retired with a half-million dollars after 30 years of working hard, caring, dedicating herself and totally immensing herself in the problems of the students. That gave her $50. The rest of the money came from the death of a rich uncle.
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You're aging when your actions creak louder than your words.
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I like to think of myself as the middleman between Fred Allen and Henny Youngman.
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All my wife wanted for Valentine's Day was a little card - American Express.
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Just remember, golf is flog spelled backwards.
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I have a brother who is afraid to go to sleep, he dreams he's working.
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Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is.
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In the suburbs it's hard to buy your Christmas gifts early in the year. You never know who your friends will be in December.
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I bought my son a bat for Christmas. On New Year's it flew away.
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At eighty-two, I feel like a twenty-year-old, but, unfortunately, there's never one around.
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They've got plastic Christmas trees now. They're hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.
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Now that doctors have stopped making house calls, lots of patients now have to die without their help.
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It's always consoling to know that today's Christmas gifts are tomorrow's garage sales.
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Laughter is the best medicine in the world.
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