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I take New Years with a grain of salt and three aspirins.

Milton Berle

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Milton Berle
Age: 93 †
Born: 1908
Born: July 12
Died: 2002
Died: March 27
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Presenter
New York City
New York
Years
Aspirin
Grain
Salt
Three
Take

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At eighty-two, I feel like a twenty-year-old, but, unfortunately, there's never one around.
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Money can't buy you happiness. It just helps you look for it in more places.
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I have a brother who is afraid to go to sleep, he dreams he's working.
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My wife and I were shopping for the whole family. In the music department my wife said, Let's get your nephew a set of drums. That's what your brother did to us last year.
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If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
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War toys are scary. They have a rocket launcher with a bayonet attached, in case you miss.
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I gave my wife a gift certificate for Christmas. She ran out to exchange it for a bigger size.
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My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don't try to run her life, and I don't try to run mine.
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It's amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!
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The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring.
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Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?
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In the suburbs it's hard to buy your Christmas gifts early in the year. You never know who your friends will be in December.
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They've got plastic Christmas trees now. They're hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.
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All my wife wanted for Valentine's Day was a little card - American Express.
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The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.
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