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I take New Years with a grain of salt and three aspirins.
Milton Berle
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Milton Berle
Age: 93 †
Born: 1908
Born: July 12
Died: 2002
Died: March 27
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Presenter
New York City
New York
Aspirin
Grain
Salt
Three
Take
Years
More quotes by Milton Berle
It's rough to go through life with your contents looking as if they settled during shipping.
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You're aging when your actions creak louder than your words.
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One teacher recently retired with a half-million dollars after 30 years of working hard, caring, dedicating herself and totally immensing herself in the problems of the students. That gave her $50. The rest of the money came from the death of a rich uncle.
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Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.
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I like to do things for my wife on Valentine's Day. I open the door for her when she puts laundry in the washing machine.
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Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?
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For every studen with a spark of brilliance, there are about ten with ignition trouble.
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My wife calls our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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Who says we didn't have controversial subjects on TV back in my time? Remember Bonanza? It was about three guys in high heels living together
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I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat.
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In the suburbs it's hard to buy your Christmas gifts early in the year. You never know who your friends will be in December.
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I bought my son an indestructible toy. Yesterday he left it in the driveway. It broke my car.
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I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank?
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I don't mind personal insults, but when you insult the jokes that I tell you're insulting Fred Allen, Bob Hope, Burns and Allen, Trevor McGee and Molly Picon.
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I know why superman left krypton. Earth was the only place where he could get steriods!
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Every year my boss used to give me a bottle of expensive brandy because I'd told him that my doctor suggested a drink once in a while. This year my boss gave me the name of a new doctor.
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In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn't say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours.
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War toys are scary. They have a rocket launcher with a bayonet attached, in case you miss.
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At eighty-two, I feel like a twenty-year-old, but, unfortunately, there's never one around.
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The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring.
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