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I take New Years with a grain of salt and three aspirins.

Milton Berle

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Milton Berle
Age: 93 †
Born: 1908
Born: July 12
Died: 2002
Died: March 27
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Presenter
New York City
New York
Years
Aspirin
Grain
Salt
Three
Take

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Nowadays, when a speaker tells the graduates that the future is theirs--is that a promise or a threat?
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On Valentine's Day, I wired flowers for my mother-in-law, but she found the fuse.
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My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.
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There are a lot of things money can't buy. Not one of them is on my son's list.
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If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.
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In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn't say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours.
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Do you want to feel insecure? Count the number of Christmas cards you sent out, and then count those you received.
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My wife and I were shopping for the whole family. In the music department my wife said, Let's get your nephew a set of drums. That's what your brother did to us last year.
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In the suburbs it's hard to buy your Christmas gifts early in the year. You never know who your friends will be in December.
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I gave my wife a gift certificate for Christmas. She ran out to exchange it for a bigger size.
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Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.
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If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
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Sir, I didn't deserve the grade you gave me on this test. Do you know a lower one?
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Our tree was so puny we used orthopedic bulbs.
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My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don't try to run her life, and I don't try to run mine.
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This is how it is today: The teachers are afraid of the principals. The principals are afraid of the superintendents. The superintendents are afraid of the board of education. The board is afraid of the parents. The parents are afraid of the children. The children are afraid of nothing!
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My wife can't figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who's had everything up to here?
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She was nice to him on Valentine's Day. She gave him a heart-shaped rash.
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You're aging when your actions creak louder than your words.
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One teacher recently retired with a half-million dollars after 30 years of working hard, caring, dedicating herself and totally immensing herself in the problems of the students. That gave her $50. The rest of the money came from the death of a rich uncle.
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