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I take New Years with a grain of salt and three aspirins.

Milton Berle

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Milton Berle
Age: 93 †
Born: 1908
Born: July 12
Died: 2002
Died: March 27
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Presenter
New York City
New York
Aspirin
Grain
Salt
Three
Take
Years

More quotes by Milton Berle

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This is how it is today: The teachers are afraid of the principals. The principals are afraid of the superintendents. The superintendents are afraid of the board of education. The board is afraid of the parents. The parents are afraid of the children. The children are afraid of nothing!
Milton Berle
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Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.
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In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn't say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours.
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She was nice to him on Valentine's Day. She gave him a heart-shaped rash.
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Do you want to feel insecure? Count the number of Christmas cards you sent out, and then count those you received.
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War toys are scary. They have a rocket launcher with a bayonet attached, in case you miss.
Milton Berle
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On Valentine's Day, I wired flowers for my mother-in-law, but she found the fuse.
Milton Berle
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The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.
Milton Berle
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One teacher recently retired with a half-million dollars after 30 years of working hard, caring, dedicating herself and totally immensing herself in the problems of the students. That gave her $50. The rest of the money came from the death of a rich uncle.
Milton Berle
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I like to do things for my wife on Valentine's Day. I open the door for her when she puts laundry in the washing machine.
Milton Berle
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They've got plastic Christmas trees now. They're hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.
Milton Berle
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Our tree was so puny we used orthopedic bulbs.
Milton Berle
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Every year my boss used to give me a bottle of expensive brandy because I'd told him that my doctor suggested a drink once in a while. This year my boss gave me the name of a new doctor.
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All my wife wanted for Valentine's Day was a little card - American Express.
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At eighty-two, I feel like a twenty-year-old, but, unfortunately, there's never one around.
Milton Berle
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My wife calls our waterbed the Dead Sea.
Milton Berle
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Do you realise that Eve was the only woman who ever took a man's side?
Milton Berle
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It's rough to go through life with your contents looking as if they settled during shipping.
Milton Berle
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My son asked for very little - a kickstand, with a motorcycle attached.
Milton Berle
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I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank?
Milton Berle