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You look like a normal person, if you can find a normal person who wants to look like that.

Milton Berle

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Milton Berle
Age: 93 †
Born: 1908
Born: July 12
Died: 2002
Died: March 27
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Presenter
New York City
New York
Looks
Like
Normal
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More quotes by Milton Berle

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Who says we didn't have controversial subjects on TV back in my time? Remember Bonanza? It was about three guys in high heels living together
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They've got plastic Christmas trees now. They're hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.
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You're aging when your actions creak louder than your words.
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Now that doctors have stopped making house calls, lots of patients now have to die without their help.
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Nowadays, when a speaker tells the graduates that the future is theirs--is that a promise or a threat?
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For Christmas the just came out with a battery-operated battery. But the batteries aren't included.
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Do you want to feel insecure? Count the number of Christmas cards you sent out, and then count those you received.
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It's amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!
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I bought my son an indestructible toy. Yesterday he left it in the driveway. It broke my car.
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Santa is having a tough time this year. Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized list
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My wife and I were shopping for the whole family. In the music department my wife said, Let's get your nephew a set of drums. That's what your brother did to us last year.
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I was in a department store and I saw a weird-looking gadget. I asked the young saleslady what it was. She answered, It doesn't do anything. It's just a Christmas gift.
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My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don't try to run her life, and I don't try to run mine.
Milton Berle
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A man is hit by a car while crossing a Beverly Hills street. A woman rushes to him and cradles his head in her lap, asking, Are you comfortable? The man answers, I make a nice living.
Milton Berle
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Talk about cheap - on Christmas Eve, my neighbour shoots off three blanks and tells his kids Santa Claus just committed suicide.
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A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
Milton Berle
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It's always consoling to know that today's Christmas gifts are tomorrow's garage sales.
Milton Berle
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A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, Did you miss a step? No, he answers, I hit every one of them!
Milton Berle
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I have a brother who is afraid to go to sleep, he dreams he's working.
Milton Berle
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In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn't say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours.
Milton Berle