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I have a brother who is afraid to go to sleep, he dreams he's working.

Milton Berle

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Milton Berle
Age: 93 †
Born: 1908
Born: July 12
Died: 2002
Died: March 27
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Presenter
New York City
New York
Working
Dream
Dreams
Afraid
Brother
Sleep

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In the suburbs it's hard to buy your Christmas gifts early in the year. You never know who your friends will be in December.
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One of those Christmas songs says, You better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout. How's my wife going to get along?
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In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn't say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours.
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My wife calls our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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I can't tell you his age, but when he was born the wonder drug was Mercurochrome.
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You look like a normal person, if you can find a normal person who wants to look like that.
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Just remember, golf is flog spelled backwards.
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Money can't buy you happiness. It just helps you look for it in more places.
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Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.
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Laughter is the best medicine in the world.
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Talk about cheap - on Christmas Eve, my neighbour shoots off three blanks and tells his kids Santa Claus just committed suicide.
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It was a tough school. The kids on the debating team took steroids!
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One teacher recently retired with a half-million dollars after 30 years of working hard, caring, dedicating herself and totally immensing herself in the problems of the students. That gave her $50. The rest of the money came from the death of a rich uncle.
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My wife can't figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who's had everything up to here?
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For Christmas the just came out with a battery-operated battery. But the batteries aren't included.
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Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is.
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I bought my mother-in-law a beautiful chair for Christmas, but she won't let me plug it in.
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Who says we didn't have controversial subjects on TV back in my time? Remember Bonanza? It was about three guys in high heels living together
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I know why superman left krypton. Earth was the only place where he could get steriods!
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This is how it is today: The teachers are afraid of the principals. The principals are afraid of the superintendents. The superintendents are afraid of the board of education. The board is afraid of the parents. The parents are afraid of the children. The children are afraid of nothing!
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