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You're aging when your actions creak louder than your words.

Milton Berle

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Milton Berle
Age: 93 †
Born: 1908
Born: July 12
Died: 2002
Died: March 27
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Presenter
New York City
New York
Creak
Louder
Aging
Actions
Words
Action

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Sex at eighty-four is terrific, especially the one in the winter.
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My wife can't figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who's had everything up to here?
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I like to do things for my wife on Valentine's Day. I open the door for her when she puts laundry in the washing machine.
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Talk about cheap - on Christmas Eve, my neighbour shoots off three blanks and tells his kids Santa Claus just committed suicide.
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Money can't buy you happiness. It just helps you look for it in more places.
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She was nice to him on Valentine's Day. She gave him a heart-shaped rash.
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At eighty-two, I feel like a twenty-year-old, but, unfortunately, there's never one around.
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Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.
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I gave my wife a gift certificate for Christmas. She ran out to exchange it for a bigger size.
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It's always consoling to know that today's Christmas gifts are tomorrow's garage sales.
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I like to think of myself as the middleman between Fred Allen and Henny Youngman.
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I bought my son a bat for Christmas. On New Year's it flew away.
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One of those Christmas songs says, You better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout. How's my wife going to get along?
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The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.
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Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?
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I don't mind personal insults, but when you insult the jokes that I tell you're insulting Fred Allen, Bob Hope, Burns and Allen, Trevor McGee and Molly Picon.
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Nowadays, when a speaker tells the graduates that the future is theirs--is that a promise or a threat?
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My son asked for very little - a kickstand, with a motorcycle attached.
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If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
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Laughter is the best medicine in the world.
Milton Berle