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My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don't try to run her life, and I don't try to run mine.

Milton Berle

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Milton Berle
Age: 93 †
Born: 1908
Born: July 12
Died: 2002
Died: March 27
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Presenter
New York City
New York
Understanding
Perfect
Running
Trying
Life
Mines
Mine
Marriage
Wife

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Laughter is the best medicine in the world.
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The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.
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Every year my boss used to give me a bottle of expensive brandy because I'd told him that my doctor suggested a drink once in a while. This year my boss gave me the name of a new doctor.
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I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn't give her a fancy gift. And I didn't.
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Money can't buy you happiness. It just helps you look for it in more places.
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Talk about cheap - on Christmas Eve, my neighbour shoots off three blanks and tells his kids Santa Claus just committed suicide.
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I take New Years with a grain of salt and three aspirins.
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For every studen with a spark of brilliance, there are about ten with ignition trouble.
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Now that doctors have stopped making house calls, lots of patients now have to die without their help.
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War toys are scary. They have a rocket launcher with a bayonet attached, in case you miss.
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All my wife wanted for Valentine's Day was a little card - American Express.
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For Christmas the just came out with a battery-operated battery. But the batteries aren't included.
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If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.
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They've got plastic Christmas trees now. They're hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.
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I bought my mother-in-law a beautiful chair for Christmas, but she won't let me plug it in.
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I like to think of myself as the middleman between Fred Allen and Henny Youngman.
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A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
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My wife and I were shopping for the whole family. In the music department my wife said, Let's get your nephew a set of drums. That's what your brother did to us last year.
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You're aging when your actions creak louder than your words.
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I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank?
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