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They've got plastic Christmas trees now. They're hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.

Milton Berle

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Milton Berle
Age: 93 †
Born: 1908
Born: July 12
Died: 2002
Died: March 27
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Presenter
New York City
New York
Trees
Christmas
Ones
Tree
Tell
Hard
Real
Aluminum
Plastic

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Talk about cheap - on Christmas Eve, my neighbour shoots off three blanks and tells his kids Santa Claus just committed suicide.
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Sex at eighty-four is terrific, especially the one in the winter.
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I don't worry too much about sex education in the schools. If the kids learn it like they do everything else, they won't know how.
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Now that doctors have stopped making house calls, lots of patients now have to die without their help.
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Just remember, golf is flog spelled backwards.
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Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?
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I bought my son an indestructible toy. Yesterday he left it in the driveway. It broke my car.
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My wife and I were shopping for the whole family. In the music department my wife said, Let's get your nephew a set of drums. That's what your brother did to us last year.
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Nowadays, when a speaker tells the graduates that the future is theirs--is that a promise or a threat?
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Folk who don't know why America is the Land of Promise should be here during an election campaign.
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I like to think of myself as the middleman between Fred Allen and Henny Youngman.
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It's rough to go through life with your contents looking as if they settled during shipping.
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I bought my son a bat for Christmas. On New Year's it flew away.
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If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.
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In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn't say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours.
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Every year my boss used to give me a bottle of expensive brandy because I'd told him that my doctor suggested a drink once in a while. This year my boss gave me the name of a new doctor.
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A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
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It was a tough school. The kids on the debating team took steroids!
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I have a brother who is afraid to go to sleep, he dreams he's working.
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A man is hit by a car while crossing a Beverly Hills street. A woman rushes to him and cradles his head in her lap, asking, Are you comfortable? The man answers, I make a nice living.
Milton Berle