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There are a lot of things money can't buy. Not one of them is on my son's list.

Milton Berle

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Milton Berle
Age: 93 †
Born: 1908
Born: July 12
Died: 2002
Died: March 27
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Presenter
New York City
New York
Lists
Christmas
Son
Money
Things
List

More quotes by Milton Berle

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Our tree was so puny we used orthopedic bulbs.
Milton Berle
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Who says we didn't have controversial subjects on TV back in my time? Remember Bonanza? It was about three guys in high heels living together
Milton Berle
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I bought my mother-in-law a beautiful chair for Christmas, but she won't let me plug it in.
Milton Berle
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I bought my son an indestructible toy. Yesterday he left it in the driveway. It broke my car.
Milton Berle
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In the suburbs it's hard to buy your Christmas gifts early in the year. You never know who your friends will be in December.
Milton Berle
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My wife and I were shopping for the whole family. In the music department my wife said, Let's get your nephew a set of drums. That's what your brother did to us last year.
Milton Berle
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Nowadays, when a speaker tells the graduates that the future is theirs--is that a promise or a threat?
Milton Berle
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One teacher recently retired with a half-million dollars after 30 years of working hard, caring, dedicating herself and totally immensing herself in the problems of the students. That gave her $50. The rest of the money came from the death of a rich uncle.
Milton Berle
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Talk about cheap - on Christmas Eve, my neighbour shoots off three blanks and tells his kids Santa Claus just committed suicide.
Milton Berle
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You look like a normal person, if you can find a normal person who wants to look like that.
Milton Berle
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A man is hit by a car while crossing a Beverly Hills street. A woman rushes to him and cradles his head in her lap, asking, Are you comfortable? The man answers, I make a nice living.
Milton Berle
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I can't tell you his age, but when he was born the wonder drug was Mercurochrome.
Milton Berle
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Sex at eighty-four is terrific, especially the one in the winter.
Milton Berle
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Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is.
Milton Berle
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War toys are scary. They have a rocket launcher with a bayonet attached, in case you miss.
Milton Berle
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The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.
Milton Berle
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Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?
Milton Berle
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If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
Milton Berle
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Money can't buy you happiness. It just helps you look for it in more places.
Milton Berle
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My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don't try to run her life, and I don't try to run mine.
Milton Berle