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Talk about cheap - on Christmas Eve, my neighbour shoots off three blanks and tells his kids Santa Claus just committed suicide.
Milton Berle
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Milton Berle
Age: 93 †
Born: 1908
Born: July 12
Died: 2002
Died: March 27
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Presenter
New York City
New York
Three
Neighbour
Kids
Santa
Cheap
Tells
Christmas
Suicide
Blanks
Committed
Claus
Talk
Shoots
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You look like a normal person, if you can find a normal person who wants to look like that.
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It's amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!
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It's always consoling to know that today's Christmas gifts are tomorrow's garage sales.
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The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.
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Sex at eighty-four is terrific, especially the one in the winter.
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Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.
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I bought my son an indestructible toy. Yesterday he left it in the driveway. It broke my car.
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Just remember, golf is flog spelled backwards.
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I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank?
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In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn't say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours.
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I like to think of myself as the middleman between Fred Allen and Henny Youngman.
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This is how it is today: The teachers are afraid of the principals. The principals are afraid of the superintendents. The superintendents are afraid of the board of education. The board is afraid of the parents. The parents are afraid of the children. The children are afraid of nothing!
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In the suburbs it's hard to buy your Christmas gifts early in the year. You never know who your friends will be in December.
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Money can't buy you happiness. It just helps you look for it in more places.
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I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn't give her a fancy gift. And I didn't.
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I bought an ideal gift for my mother-in-law - a battery-operated mouth.
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Do you realise that Eve was the only woman who ever took a man's side?
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The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring.
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Now that doctors have stopped making house calls, lots of patients now have to die without their help.
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Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?
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