Quote

Talk about cheap - on Christmas Eve, my neighbour shoots off three blanks and tells his kids Santa Claus just committed suicide.

Milton Berle

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Milton Berle
Age: 93 †
Born: 1908
Born: July 12
Died: 2002
Died: March 27
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Presenter
New York City
New York
Christmas
Suicide
Blanks
Committed
Claus
Talk
Shoots
Three
Neighbour
Kids
Santa
Cheap
Tells

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Now that doctors have stopped making house calls, lots of patients now have to die without their help.
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My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.
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Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is.
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I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank?
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It's rough to go through life with your contents looking as if they settled during shipping.
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I don't mind personal insults, but when you insult the jokes that I tell you're insulting Fred Allen, Bob Hope, Burns and Allen, Trevor McGee and Molly Picon.
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My wife and I were shopping for the whole family. In the music department my wife said, Let's get your nephew a set of drums. That's what your brother did to us last year.
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Our tree was so puny we used orthopedic bulbs.
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Do you want to feel insecure? Count the number of Christmas cards you sent out, and then count those you received.
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Santa is having a tough time this year. Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized list
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Folk who don't know why America is the Land of Promise should be here during an election campaign.
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I like to think of myself as the middleman between Fred Allen and Henny Youngman.
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Nowadays, when a speaker tells the graduates that the future is theirs--is that a promise or a threat?
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It's always consoling to know that today's Christmas gifts are tomorrow's garage sales.
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For every studen with a spark of brilliance, there are about ten with ignition trouble.
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I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat.
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On Valentine's Day, I wired flowers for my mother-in-law, but she found the fuse.
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My wife can't figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who's had everything up to here?
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Sir, I didn't deserve the grade you gave me on this test. Do you know a lower one?
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