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Our tree was so puny we used orthopedic bulbs.
Milton Berle
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Milton Berle
Age: 93 †
Born: 1908
Born: July 12
Died: 2002
Died: March 27
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Presenter
New York City
New York
Puny
Bulbs
Christmas
Tree
Used
Orthopedics
Orthopedic
More quotes by Milton Berle
I take New Years with a grain of salt and three aspirins.
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A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
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Just remember, golf is flog spelled backwards.
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If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.
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A man is hit by a car while crossing a Beverly Hills street. A woman rushes to him and cradles his head in her lap, asking, Are you comfortable? The man answers, I make a nice living.
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War toys are scary. They have a rocket launcher with a bayonet attached, in case you miss.
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I gave my wife a gift certificate for Christmas. She ran out to exchange it for a bigger size.
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My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don't try to run her life, and I don't try to run mine.
Milton Berle
A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, Did you miss a step? No, he answers, I hit every one of them!
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I bought an ideal gift for my mother-in-law - a battery-operated mouth.
Milton Berle
I was in a department store and I saw a weird-looking gadget. I asked the young saleslady what it was. She answered, It doesn't do anything. It's just a Christmas gift.
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Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.
Milton Berle
She was nice to him on Valentine's Day. She gave him a heart-shaped rash.
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They've got plastic Christmas trees now. They're hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.
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Who says we didn't have controversial subjects on TV back in my time? Remember Bonanza? It was about three guys in high heels living together
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The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring.
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This is how it is today: The teachers are afraid of the principals. The principals are afraid of the superintendents. The superintendents are afraid of the board of education. The board is afraid of the parents. The parents are afraid of the children. The children are afraid of nothing!
Milton Berle
If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door, but only as long as it's not visible from the street.
Milton Berle
I bought my mother-in-law a beautiful chair for Christmas, but she won't let me plug it in.
Milton Berle
One teacher recently retired with a half-million dollars after 30 years of working hard, caring, dedicating herself and totally immensing herself in the problems of the students. That gave her $50. The rest of the money came from the death of a rich uncle.
Milton Berle