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Our tree was so puny we used orthopedic bulbs.

Milton Berle

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Milton Berle
Age: 93 †
Born: 1908
Born: July 12
Died: 2002
Died: March 27
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Presenter
New York City
New York
Puny
Bulbs
Christmas
Tree
Used
Orthopedics
Orthopedic

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Laughter is the best medicine in the world.
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Talk about cheap - on Christmas Eve, my neighbour shoots off three blanks and tells his kids Santa Claus just committed suicide.
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Do you want to feel insecure? Count the number of Christmas cards you sent out, and then count those you received.
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All my wife wanted for Valentine's Day was a little card - American Express.
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My son asked for very little - a kickstand, with a motorcycle attached.
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I bought my mother-in-law a beautiful chair for Christmas, but she won't let me plug it in.
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I take New Years with a grain of salt and three aspirins.
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It was a tough school. The kids on the debating team took steroids!
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Money can't buy you happiness. It just helps you look for it in more places.
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Santa is having a tough time this year. Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized list
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In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn't say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours.
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Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.
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One teacher recently retired with a half-million dollars after 30 years of working hard, caring, dedicating herself and totally immensing herself in the problems of the students. That gave her $50. The rest of the money came from the death of a rich uncle.
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One of those Christmas songs says, You better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout. How's my wife going to get along?
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I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank?
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I don't worry too much about sex education in the schools. If the kids learn it like they do everything else, they won't know how.
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I was in a department store and I saw a weird-looking gadget. I asked the young saleslady what it was. She answered, It doesn't do anything. It's just a Christmas gift.
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War toys are scary. They have a rocket launcher with a bayonet attached, in case you miss.
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Every year my boss used to give me a bottle of expensive brandy because I'd told him that my doctor suggested a drink once in a while. This year my boss gave me the name of a new doctor.
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I like to do things for my wife on Valentine's Day. I open the door for her when she puts laundry in the washing machine.
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