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My wife can't figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who's had everything up to here?

Milton Berle

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Milton Berle
Age: 93 †
Born: 1908
Born: July 12
Died: 2002
Died: March 27
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Presenter
New York City
New York
Everything
Giving
Men
Christmas
Figure
Figures
Wife
Give

More quotes by Milton Berle

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I gave my wife a gift certificate for Christmas. She ran out to exchange it for a bigger size.
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You look like a normal person, if you can find a normal person who wants to look like that.
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Every year my boss used to give me a bottle of expensive brandy because I'd told him that my doctor suggested a drink once in a while. This year my boss gave me the name of a new doctor.
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A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, Did you miss a step? No, he answers, I hit every one of them!
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I can't tell you his age, but when he was born the wonder drug was Mercurochrome.
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Now that doctors have stopped making house calls, lots of patients now have to die without their help.
Milton Berle
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A man is hit by a car while crossing a Beverly Hills street. A woman rushes to him and cradles his head in her lap, asking, Are you comfortable? The man answers, I make a nice living.
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Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is.
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For every studen with a spark of brilliance, there are about ten with ignition trouble.
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Talk about cheap - on Christmas Eve, my neighbour shoots off three blanks and tells his kids Santa Claus just committed suicide.
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If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door, but only as long as it's not visible from the street.
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I was in a department store and I saw a weird-looking gadget. I asked the young saleslady what it was. She answered, It doesn't do anything. It's just a Christmas gift.
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Sir, I didn't deserve the grade you gave me on this test. Do you know a lower one?
Milton Berle
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I bought my mother-in-law a beautiful chair for Christmas, but she won't let me plug it in.
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I don't worry too much about sex education in the schools. If the kids learn it like they do everything else, they won't know how.
Milton Berle
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The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring.
Milton Berle
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It's amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!
Milton Berle
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There are a lot of things money can't buy. Not one of them is on my son's list.
Milton Berle
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I take New Years with a grain of salt and three aspirins.
Milton Berle
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In the suburbs it's hard to buy your Christmas gifts early in the year. You never know who your friends will be in December.
Milton Berle