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My wife can't figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who's had everything up to here?

Milton Berle

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Milton Berle
Age: 93 †
Born: 1908
Born: July 12
Died: 2002
Died: March 27
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Presenter
New York City
New York
Giving
Men
Christmas
Figure
Figures
Wife
Give
Everything

More quotes by Milton Berle

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She was nice to him on Valentine's Day. She gave him a heart-shaped rash.
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I can't tell you his age, but when he was born the wonder drug was Mercurochrome.
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This is how it is today: The teachers are afraid of the principals. The principals are afraid of the superintendents. The superintendents are afraid of the board of education. The board is afraid of the parents. The parents are afraid of the children. The children are afraid of nothing!
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I don't mind personal insults, but when you insult the jokes that I tell you're insulting Fred Allen, Bob Hope, Burns and Allen, Trevor McGee and Molly Picon.
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In the suburbs it's hard to buy your Christmas gifts early in the year. You never know who your friends will be in December.
Milton Berle
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Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.
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My wife and I were shopping for the whole family. In the music department my wife said, Let's get your nephew a set of drums. That's what your brother did to us last year.
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I know why superman left krypton. Earth was the only place where he could get steriods!
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Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is.
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Who says we didn't have controversial subjects on TV back in my time? Remember Bonanza? It was about three guys in high heels living together
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Nowadays, when a speaker tells the graduates that the future is theirs--is that a promise or a threat?
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I like to do things for my wife on Valentine's Day. I open the door for her when she puts laundry in the washing machine.
Milton Berle
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Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.
Milton Berle
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Sex at eighty-four is terrific, especially the one in the winter.
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I have a brother who is afraid to go to sleep, he dreams he's working.
Milton Berle
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Our tree was so puny we used orthopedic bulbs.
Milton Berle
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One teacher recently retired with a half-million dollars after 30 years of working hard, caring, dedicating herself and totally immensing herself in the problems of the students. That gave her $50. The rest of the money came from the death of a rich uncle.
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I bought my son a bat for Christmas. On New Year's it flew away.
Milton Berle
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The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring.
Milton Berle
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Every year my boss used to give me a bottle of expensive brandy because I'd told him that my doctor suggested a drink once in a while. This year my boss gave me the name of a new doctor.
Milton Berle