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My wife and I were shopping for the whole family. In the music department my wife said, Let's get your nephew a set of drums. That's what your brother did to us last year.
Milton Berle
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Milton Berle
Age: 93 †
Born: 1908
Born: July 12
Died: 2002
Died: March 27
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Presenter
New York City
New York
Music
Department
Whole
Christmas
Years
Brother
Wife
Year
Lasts
Nephew
Last
Drums
Family
Shopping
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Nowadays, when a speaker tells the graduates that the future is theirs--is that a promise or a threat?
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A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
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I just bought a great gift for my boss - a leaky ant farm.
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This is how it is today: The teachers are afraid of the principals. The principals are afraid of the superintendents. The superintendents are afraid of the board of education. The board is afraid of the parents. The parents are afraid of the children. The children are afraid of nothing!
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Sir, I didn't deserve the grade you gave me on this test. Do you know a lower one?
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Who says we didn't have controversial subjects on TV back in my time? Remember Bonanza? It was about three guys in high heels living together
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A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, Did you miss a step? No, he answers, I hit every one of them!
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Now that doctors have stopped making house calls, lots of patients now have to die without their help.
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Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.
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If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.
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Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is.
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One of those Christmas songs says, You better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout. How's my wife going to get along?
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They've got plastic Christmas trees now. They're hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.
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I like to do things for my wife on Valentine's Day. I open the door for her when she puts laundry in the washing machine.
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Sex at eighty-four is terrific, especially the one in the winter.
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Santa is having a tough time this year. Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized list
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Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?
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I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat.
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I was in a department store and I saw a weird-looking gadget. I asked the young saleslady what it was. She answered, It doesn't do anything. It's just a Christmas gift.
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The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.
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