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It's always consoling to know that today's Christmas gifts are tomorrow's garage sales.

Milton Berle

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Milton Berle
Age: 93 †
Born: 1908
Born: July 12
Died: 2002
Died: March 27
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Presenter
New York City
New York
Tomorrow
Today
Always
Consoling
Garage
Sales
Gifts
Christmas

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At eighty-two, I feel like a twenty-year-old, but, unfortunately, there's never one around.
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I bought my son a bat for Christmas. On New Year's it flew away.
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It was a tough school. The kids on the debating team took steroids!
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This is how it is today: The teachers are afraid of the principals. The principals are afraid of the superintendents. The superintendents are afraid of the board of education. The board is afraid of the parents. The parents are afraid of the children. The children are afraid of nothing!
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I don't worry too much about sex education in the schools. If the kids learn it like they do everything else, they won't know how.
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They've got plastic Christmas trees now. They're hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.
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Money can't buy you happiness. It just helps you look for it in more places.
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One of those Christmas songs says, You better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout. How's my wife going to get along?
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I take New Years with a grain of salt and three aspirins.
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Nowadays, when a speaker tells the graduates that the future is theirs--is that a promise or a threat?
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One teacher recently retired with a half-million dollars after 30 years of working hard, caring, dedicating herself and totally immensing herself in the problems of the students. That gave her $50. The rest of the money came from the death of a rich uncle.
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I have a brother who is afraid to go to sleep, he dreams he's working.
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If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.
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Do you realise that Eve was the only woman who ever took a man's side?
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Just remember, golf is flog spelled backwards.
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Talk about cheap - on Christmas Eve, my neighbour shoots off three blanks and tells his kids Santa Claus just committed suicide.
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I like to think of myself as the middleman between Fred Allen and Henny Youngman.
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She was nice to him on Valentine's Day. She gave him a heart-shaped rash.
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It's rough to go through life with your contents looking as if they settled during shipping.
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Do you want to feel insecure? Count the number of Christmas cards you sent out, and then count those you received.
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