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In the suburbs it's hard to buy your Christmas gifts early in the year. You never know who your friends will be in December.

Milton Berle

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Milton Berle
Age: 93 †
Born: 1908
Born: July 12
Died: 2002
Died: March 27
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Presenter
New York City
New York
Early
Year
Friends
Hard
Years
Suburbs
Never
December
Gifts
Christmas

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I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn't give her a fancy gift. And I didn't.
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One teacher recently retired with a half-million dollars after 30 years of working hard, caring, dedicating herself and totally immensing herself in the problems of the students. That gave her $50. The rest of the money came from the death of a rich uncle.
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Nowadays, when a speaker tells the graduates that the future is theirs--is that a promise or a threat?
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The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.
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At eighty-two, I feel like a twenty-year-old, but, unfortunately, there's never one around.
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Every year my boss used to give me a bottle of expensive brandy because I'd told him that my doctor suggested a drink once in a while. This year my boss gave me the name of a new doctor.
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On Valentine's Day, I wired flowers for my mother-in-law, but she found the fuse.
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Talk about cheap - on Christmas Eve, my neighbour shoots off three blanks and tells his kids Santa Claus just committed suicide.
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A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, Did you miss a step? No, he answers, I hit every one of them!
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