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I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn't give her a fancy gift. And I didn't.

Milton Berle

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Milton Berle
Age: 93 †
Born: 1908
Born: July 12
Died: 2002
Died: March 27
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Presenter
New York City
New York
Made
Terrible
Mistake
Wife
Lasts
Swear
Last
Fancy
Didn
Christmas
Give
Gift
Giving
Wouldn

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One teacher recently retired with a half-million dollars after 30 years of working hard, caring, dedicating herself and totally immensing herself in the problems of the students. That gave her $50. The rest of the money came from the death of a rich uncle.
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I don't mind personal insults, but when you insult the jokes that I tell you're insulting Fred Allen, Bob Hope, Burns and Allen, Trevor McGee and Molly Picon.
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This is how it is today: The teachers are afraid of the principals. The principals are afraid of the superintendents. The superintendents are afraid of the board of education. The board is afraid of the parents. The parents are afraid of the children. The children are afraid of nothing!
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My wife can't figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who's had everything up to here?
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I gave my wife a gift certificate for Christmas. She ran out to exchange it for a bigger size.
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I like to think of myself as the middleman between Fred Allen and Henny Youngman.
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If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door, but only as long as it's not visible from the street.
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I take New Years with a grain of salt and three aspirins.
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In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn't say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours.
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It was a tough school. The kids on the debating team took steroids!
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The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.
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If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
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Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.
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Nowadays, when a speaker tells the graduates that the future is theirs--is that a promise or a threat?
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Every year my boss used to give me a bottle of expensive brandy because I'd told him that my doctor suggested a drink once in a while. This year my boss gave me the name of a new doctor.
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Sex at eighty-four is terrific, especially the one in the winter.
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I know why superman left krypton. Earth was the only place where he could get steriods!
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A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
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It's amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!
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Our tree was so puny we used orthopedic bulbs.
Milton Berle