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I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn't give her a fancy gift. And I didn't.

Milton Berle

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Milton Berle
Age: 93 †
Born: 1908
Born: July 12
Died: 2002
Died: March 27
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Presenter
New York City
New York
Mistake
Wife
Lasts
Swear
Last
Fancy
Didn
Christmas
Give
Gift
Giving
Wouldn
Made
Terrible

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Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.
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Who says we didn't have controversial subjects on TV back in my time? Remember Bonanza? It was about three guys in high heels living together
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At eighty-two, I feel like a twenty-year-old, but, unfortunately, there's never one around.
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I take New Years with a grain of salt and three aspirins.
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Sir, I didn't deserve the grade you gave me on this test. Do you know a lower one?
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Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is.
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Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?
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One teacher recently retired with a half-million dollars after 30 years of working hard, caring, dedicating herself and totally immensing herself in the problems of the students. That gave her $50. The rest of the money came from the death of a rich uncle.
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I bought an ideal gift for my mother-in-law - a battery-operated mouth.
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Laughter is the best medicine in the world.
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The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.
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You look like a normal person, if you can find a normal person who wants to look like that.
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She was nice to him on Valentine's Day. She gave him a heart-shaped rash.
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It's always consoling to know that today's Christmas gifts are tomorrow's garage sales.
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This is how it is today: The teachers are afraid of the principals. The principals are afraid of the superintendents. The superintendents are afraid of the board of education. The board is afraid of the parents. The parents are afraid of the children. The children are afraid of nothing!
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It's amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!
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Do you want to feel insecure? Count the number of Christmas cards you sent out, and then count those you received.
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