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I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn't give her a fancy gift. And I didn't.

Milton Berle

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Milton Berle
Age: 93 †
Born: 1908
Born: July 12
Died: 2002
Died: March 27
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Presenter
New York City
New York
Made
Terrible
Mistake
Wife
Lasts
Swear
Last
Fancy
Didn
Christmas
Give
Gift
Giving
Wouldn

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If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
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Talk about cheap - on Christmas Eve, my neighbour shoots off three blanks and tells his kids Santa Claus just committed suicide.
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I bought an ideal gift for my mother-in-law - a battery-operated mouth.
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Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?
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If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door, but only as long as it's not visible from the street.
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Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.
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I was in a department store and I saw a weird-looking gadget. I asked the young saleslady what it was. She answered, It doesn't do anything. It's just a Christmas gift.
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I bought my mother-in-law a beautiful chair for Christmas, but she won't let me plug it in.
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Nowadays, when a speaker tells the graduates that the future is theirs--is that a promise or a threat?
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My wife can't figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who's had everything up to here?
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Money can't buy you happiness. It just helps you look for it in more places.
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Santa is having a tough time this year. Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized list
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Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.
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Sir, I didn't deserve the grade you gave me on this test. Do you know a lower one?
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War toys are scary. They have a rocket launcher with a bayonet attached, in case you miss.
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A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
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I just bought a great gift for my boss - a leaky ant farm.
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