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I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn't give her a fancy gift. And I didn't.
Milton Berle
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Milton Berle
Age: 93 †
Born: 1908
Born: July 12
Died: 2002
Died: March 27
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Presenter
New York City
New York
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Gift
Giving
Wouldn
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Terrible
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Wife
Lasts
Swear
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Didn
Christmas
More quotes by Milton Berle
This is how it is today: The teachers are afraid of the principals. The principals are afraid of the superintendents. The superintendents are afraid of the board of education. The board is afraid of the parents. The parents are afraid of the children. The children are afraid of nothing!
Milton Berle
It's rough to go through life with your contents looking as if they settled during shipping.
Milton Berle
A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
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All my wife wanted for Valentine's Day was a little card - American Express.
Milton Berle
You're aging when your actions creak louder than your words.
Milton Berle
Do you realise that Eve was the only woman who ever took a man's side?
Milton Berle
Every year my boss used to give me a bottle of expensive brandy because I'd told him that my doctor suggested a drink once in a while. This year my boss gave me the name of a new doctor.
Milton Berle
At eighty-two, I feel like a twenty-year-old, but, unfortunately, there's never one around.
Milton Berle
My wife and I were shopping for the whole family. In the music department my wife said, Let's get your nephew a set of drums. That's what your brother did to us last year.
Milton Berle
For Christmas the just came out with a battery-operated battery. But the batteries aren't included.
Milton Berle
Laughter is the best medicine in the world.
Milton Berle
Sex at eighty-four is terrific, especially the one in the winter.
Milton Berle
Santa is having a tough time this year. Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized list
Milton Berle
In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn't say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours.
Milton Berle
I bought my son an indestructible toy. Yesterday he left it in the driveway. It broke my car.
Milton Berle
Now that doctors have stopped making house calls, lots of patients now have to die without their help.
Milton Berle
I like to do things for my wife on Valentine's Day. I open the door for her when she puts laundry in the washing machine.
Milton Berle
I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank?
Milton Berle
I don't worry too much about sex education in the schools. If the kids learn it like they do everything else, they won't know how.
Milton Berle
Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is.
Milton Berle
