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I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn't give her a fancy gift. And I didn't.

Milton Berle

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Milton Berle
Age: 93 †
Born: 1908
Born: July 12
Died: 2002
Died: March 27
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Presenter
New York City
New York
Giving
Wouldn
Made
Terrible
Mistake
Wife
Lasts
Swear
Last
Fancy
Didn
Christmas
Give
Gift

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Laughter is the best medicine in the world.
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Now that doctors have stopped making house calls, lots of patients now have to die without their help.
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Who says we didn't have controversial subjects on TV back in my time? Remember Bonanza? It was about three guys in high heels living together
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I have a brother who is afraid to go to sleep, he dreams he's working.
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A man is hit by a car while crossing a Beverly Hills street. A woman rushes to him and cradles his head in her lap, asking, Are you comfortable? The man answers, I make a nice living.
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She was nice to him on Valentine's Day. She gave him a heart-shaped rash.
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You look like a normal person, if you can find a normal person who wants to look like that.
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If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door, but only as long as it's not visible from the street.
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I bought my son an indestructible toy. Yesterday he left it in the driveway. It broke my car.
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Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.
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One teacher recently retired with a half-million dollars after 30 years of working hard, caring, dedicating herself and totally immensing herself in the problems of the students. That gave her $50. The rest of the money came from the death of a rich uncle.
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I just bought a great gift for my boss - a leaky ant farm.
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On Valentine's Day, I wired flowers for my mother-in-law, but she found the fuse.
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I don't worry too much about sex education in the schools. If the kids learn it like they do everything else, they won't know how.
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This is how it is today: The teachers are afraid of the principals. The principals are afraid of the superintendents. The superintendents are afraid of the board of education. The board is afraid of the parents. The parents are afraid of the children. The children are afraid of nothing!
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Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.
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War toys are scary. They have a rocket launcher with a bayonet attached, in case you miss.
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Sex at eighty-four is terrific, especially the one in the winter.
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It's rough to go through life with your contents looking as if they settled during shipping.
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They've got plastic Christmas trees now. They're hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.
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