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I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn't give her a fancy gift. And I didn't.
Milton Berle
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Milton Berle
Age: 93 †
Born: 1908
Born: July 12
Died: 2002
Died: March 27
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Presenter
New York City
New York
Last
Fancy
Didn
Christmas
Give
Gift
Giving
Wouldn
Made
Terrible
Mistake
Wife
Lasts
Swear
More quotes by Milton Berle
My son asked for very little - a kickstand, with a motorcycle attached.
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A man is hit by a car while crossing a Beverly Hills street. A woman rushes to him and cradles his head in her lap, asking, Are you comfortable? The man answers, I make a nice living.
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This is how it is today: The teachers are afraid of the principals. The principals are afraid of the superintendents. The superintendents are afraid of the board of education. The board is afraid of the parents. The parents are afraid of the children. The children are afraid of nothing!
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My wife and I were shopping for the whole family. In the music department my wife said, Let's get your nephew a set of drums. That's what your brother did to us last year.
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If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door, but only as long as it's not visible from the street.
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I have a brother who is afraid to go to sleep, he dreams he's working.
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For every studen with a spark of brilliance, there are about ten with ignition trouble.
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My wife can't figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who's had everything up to here?
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Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.
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In the suburbs it's hard to buy your Christmas gifts early in the year. You never know who your friends will be in December.
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I gave my wife a gift certificate for Christmas. She ran out to exchange it for a bigger size.
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Sir, I didn't deserve the grade you gave me on this test. Do you know a lower one?
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The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring.
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I bought my son an indestructible toy. Yesterday he left it in the driveway. It broke my car.
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My wife calls our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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I know why superman left krypton. Earth was the only place where he could get steriods!
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Every year my boss used to give me a bottle of expensive brandy because I'd told him that my doctor suggested a drink once in a while. This year my boss gave me the name of a new doctor.
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You look like a normal person, if you can find a normal person who wants to look like that.
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I bought my mother-in-law a beautiful chair for Christmas, but she won't let me plug it in.
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If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.
Milton Berle
