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I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn't give her a fancy gift. And I didn't.

Milton Berle

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Milton Berle
Age: 93 †
Born: 1908
Born: July 12
Died: 2002
Died: March 27
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Presenter
New York City
New York
Last
Fancy
Didn
Christmas
Give
Gift
Giving
Wouldn
Made
Terrible
Mistake
Wife
Lasts
Swear

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In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn't say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours.
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My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.
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My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don't try to run her life, and I don't try to run mine.
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Laughter is the best medicine in the world.
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I bought my son a bat for Christmas. On New Year's it flew away.
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Our tree was so puny we used orthopedic bulbs.
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Sex at eighty-four is terrific, especially the one in the winter.
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One teacher recently retired with a half-million dollars after 30 years of working hard, caring, dedicating herself and totally immensing herself in the problems of the students. That gave her $50. The rest of the money came from the death of a rich uncle.
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I don't mind personal insults, but when you insult the jokes that I tell you're insulting Fred Allen, Bob Hope, Burns and Allen, Trevor McGee and Molly Picon.
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Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.
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My wife and I were shopping for the whole family. In the music department my wife said, Let's get your nephew a set of drums. That's what your brother did to us last year.
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I just bought a great gift for my boss - a leaky ant farm.
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They've got plastic Christmas trees now. They're hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.
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I like to think of myself as the middleman between Fred Allen and Henny Youngman.
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Just remember, golf is flog spelled backwards.
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Do you realise that Eve was the only woman who ever took a man's side?
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Now that doctors have stopped making house calls, lots of patients now have to die without their help.
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All my wife wanted for Valentine's Day was a little card - American Express.
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Talk about cheap - on Christmas Eve, my neighbour shoots off three blanks and tells his kids Santa Claus just committed suicide.
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I don't worry too much about sex education in the schools. If the kids learn it like they do everything else, they won't know how.
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