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I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn't give her a fancy gift. And I didn't.

Milton Berle

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Milton Berle
Age: 93 †
Born: 1908
Born: July 12
Died: 2002
Died: March 27
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Presenter
New York City
New York
Mistake
Wife
Lasts
Swear
Last
Fancy
Didn
Christmas
Give
Gift
Giving
Wouldn
Made
Terrible

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Santa is having a tough time this year. Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized list
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For every studen with a spark of brilliance, there are about ten with ignition trouble.
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Folk who don't know why America is the Land of Promise should be here during an election campaign.
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I don't mind personal insults, but when you insult the jokes that I tell you're insulting Fred Allen, Bob Hope, Burns and Allen, Trevor McGee and Molly Picon.
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At eighty-two, I feel like a twenty-year-old, but, unfortunately, there's never one around.
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Talk about cheap - on Christmas Eve, my neighbour shoots off three blanks and tells his kids Santa Claus just committed suicide.
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I just bought a great gift for my boss - a leaky ant farm.
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The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.
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It was a tough school. The kids on the debating team took steroids!
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I can't tell you his age, but when he was born the wonder drug was Mercurochrome.
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Laughter is the best medicine in the world.
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If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door, but only as long as it's not visible from the street.
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She was nice to him on Valentine's Day. She gave him a heart-shaped rash.
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A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
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All my wife wanted for Valentine's Day was a little card - American Express.
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Our tree was so puny we used orthopedic bulbs.
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I take New Years with a grain of salt and three aspirins.
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Sex at eighty-four is terrific, especially the one in the winter.
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One teacher recently retired with a half-million dollars after 30 years of working hard, caring, dedicating herself and totally immensing herself in the problems of the students. That gave her $50. The rest of the money came from the death of a rich uncle.
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