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I just bought a great gift for my boss - a leaky ant farm.

Milton Berle

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Milton Berle
Age: 93 †
Born: 1908
Born: July 12
Died: 2002
Died: March 27
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Presenter
New York City
New York
Gift
Great
Leaky
Ants
Farm
Farms
Bought
Boss
Christmas

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The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.
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I gave my wife a gift certificate for Christmas. She ran out to exchange it for a bigger size.
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If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
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A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
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My wife can't figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who's had everything up to here?
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Sir, I didn't deserve the grade you gave me on this test. Do you know a lower one?
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I like to think of myself as the middleman between Fred Allen and Henny Youngman.
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Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.
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Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?
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I take New Years with a grain of salt and three aspirins.
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Do you want to feel insecure? Count the number of Christmas cards you sent out, and then count those you received.
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On Valentine's Day, I wired flowers for my mother-in-law, but she found the fuse.
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My son asked for very little - a kickstand, with a motorcycle attached.
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It was a tough school. The kids on the debating team took steroids!
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War toys are scary. They have a rocket launcher with a bayonet attached, in case you miss.
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Money can't buy you happiness. It just helps you look for it in more places.
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I don't mind personal insults, but when you insult the jokes that I tell you're insulting Fred Allen, Bob Hope, Burns and Allen, Trevor McGee and Molly Picon.
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At eighty-two, I feel like a twenty-year-old, but, unfortunately, there's never one around.
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They've got plastic Christmas trees now. They're hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.
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Santa is having a tough time this year. Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized list
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