Quote

I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat.

Milton Berle

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Milton Berle
Age: 93 †
Born: 1908
Born: July 12
Died: 2002
Died: March 27
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Presenter
New York City
New York
Gift
Coat
Gave
Payment
Wife
Coats
Five
Dollar
Used
Twenty
Christmas
Mink
Twenties
Certificate
Dollars
Certificates

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My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.
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On Valentine's Day, I wired flowers for my mother-in-law, but she found the fuse.
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The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.
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You look like a normal person, if you can find a normal person who wants to look like that.
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If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door, but only as long as it's not visible from the street.
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I don't mind personal insults, but when you insult the jokes that I tell you're insulting Fred Allen, Bob Hope, Burns and Allen, Trevor McGee and Molly Picon.
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Just remember, golf is flog spelled backwards.
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I bought my mother-in-law a beautiful chair for Christmas, but she won't let me plug it in.
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It's always consoling to know that today's Christmas gifts are tomorrow's garage sales.
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I bought my son an indestructible toy. Yesterday he left it in the driveway. It broke my car.
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My wife can't figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who's had everything up to here?
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I know why superman left krypton. Earth was the only place where he could get steriods!
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Santa is having a tough time this year. Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized list
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I like to think of myself as the middleman between Fred Allen and Henny Youngman.
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It's rough to go through life with your contents looking as if they settled during shipping.
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Nowadays, when a speaker tells the graduates that the future is theirs--is that a promise or a threat?
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I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank?
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You're aging when your actions creak louder than your words.
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I have a brother who is afraid to go to sleep, he dreams he's working.
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