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I gave my wife a gift certificate for Christmas. She ran out to exchange it for a bigger size.

Milton Berle

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Milton Berle
Age: 93 †
Born: 1908
Born: July 12
Died: 2002
Died: March 27
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Presenter
New York City
New York
Size
Gift
Bigger
Gave
Certificate
Wife
Certificates
Exchange
Ran
Christmas

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I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat.
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Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.
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For every studen with a spark of brilliance, there are about ten with ignition trouble.
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It's always consoling to know that today's Christmas gifts are tomorrow's garage sales.
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In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn't say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours.
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Folk who don't know why America is the Land of Promise should be here during an election campaign.
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On Valentine's Day, I wired flowers for my mother-in-law, but she found the fuse.
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The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.
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Talk about cheap - on Christmas Eve, my neighbour shoots off three blanks and tells his kids Santa Claus just committed suicide.
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Sir, I didn't deserve the grade you gave me on this test. Do you know a lower one?
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I bought my mother-in-law a beautiful chair for Christmas, but she won't let me plug it in.
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In the suburbs it's hard to buy your Christmas gifts early in the year. You never know who your friends will be in December.
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I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank?
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A man is hit by a car while crossing a Beverly Hills street. A woman rushes to him and cradles his head in her lap, asking, Are you comfortable? The man answers, I make a nice living.
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I don't worry too much about sex education in the schools. If the kids learn it like they do everything else, they won't know how.
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Our tree was so puny we used orthopedic bulbs.
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My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don't try to run her life, and I don't try to run mine.
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I don't mind personal insults, but when you insult the jokes that I tell you're insulting Fred Allen, Bob Hope, Burns and Allen, Trevor McGee and Molly Picon.
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Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is.
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If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door, but only as long as it's not visible from the street.
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