Quote

I gave my wife a gift certificate for Christmas. She ran out to exchange it for a bigger size.

Milton Berle

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Milton Berle
Age: 93 †
Born: 1908
Born: July 12
Died: 2002
Died: March 27
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Presenter
New York City
New York
Gave
Certificate
Wife
Certificates
Exchange
Ran
Christmas
Size
Gift
Bigger

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I don't mind personal insults, but when you insult the jokes that I tell you're insulting Fred Allen, Bob Hope, Burns and Allen, Trevor McGee and Molly Picon.
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The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring.
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She was nice to him on Valentine's Day. She gave him a heart-shaped rash.
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Just remember, golf is flog spelled backwards.
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You look like a normal person, if you can find a normal person who wants to look like that.
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At eighty-two, I feel like a twenty-year-old, but, unfortunately, there's never one around.
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You're aging when your actions creak louder than your words.
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Our tree was so puny we used orthopedic bulbs.
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In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn't say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours.
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The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.
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My wife calls our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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All my wife wanted for Valentine's Day was a little card - American Express.
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Do you realise that Eve was the only woman who ever took a man's side?
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I like to think of myself as the middleman between Fred Allen and Henny Youngman.
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If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door, but only as long as it's not visible from the street.
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My wife and I were shopping for the whole family. In the music department my wife said, Let's get your nephew a set of drums. That's what your brother did to us last year.
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Money can't buy you happiness. It just helps you look for it in more places.
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There are a lot of things money can't buy. Not one of them is on my son's list.
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Sex at eighty-four is terrific, especially the one in the winter.
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