Quote

I gave my wife a gift certificate for Christmas. She ran out to exchange it for a bigger size.

Milton Berle

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Milton Berle
Age: 93 †
Born: 1908
Born: July 12
Died: 2002
Died: March 27
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Presenter
New York City
New York
Exchange
Ran
Christmas
Size
Gift
Bigger
Gave
Certificate
Wife
Certificates

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Santa is having a tough time this year. Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized list
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My wife and I were shopping for the whole family. In the music department my wife said, Let's get your nephew a set of drums. That's what your brother did to us last year.
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Laughter is the best medicine in the world.
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My wife can't figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who's had everything up to here?
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Do you want to feel insecure? Count the number of Christmas cards you sent out, and then count those you received.
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My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don't try to run her life, and I don't try to run mine.
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War toys are scary. They have a rocket launcher with a bayonet attached, in case you miss.
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A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, Did you miss a step? No, he answers, I hit every one of them!
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It was a tough school. The kids on the debating team took steroids!
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I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank?
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Money can't buy you happiness. It just helps you look for it in more places.
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It's amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!
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The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.
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One of those Christmas songs says, You better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout. How's my wife going to get along?
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Sex at eighty-four is terrific, especially the one in the winter.
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For Christmas the just came out with a battery-operated battery. But the batteries aren't included.
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Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.
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I bought my mother-in-law a beautiful chair for Christmas, but she won't let me plug it in.
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The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring.
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Nowadays, when a speaker tells the graduates that the future is theirs--is that a promise or a threat?
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