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I bought my son an indestructible toy. Yesterday he left it in the driveway. It broke my car.

Milton Berle

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Milton Berle
Age: 93 †
Born: 1908
Born: July 12
Died: 2002
Died: March 27
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Presenter
New York City
New York
Left
Indestructible
Toys
Bought
Christmas
Broke
Yesterday
Son
Car
Driveway

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Talk about cheap - on Christmas Eve, my neighbour shoots off three blanks and tells his kids Santa Claus just committed suicide.
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Do you realise that Eve was the only woman who ever took a man's side?
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I don't mind personal insults, but when you insult the jokes that I tell you're insulting Fred Allen, Bob Hope, Burns and Allen, Trevor McGee and Molly Picon.
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For every studen with a spark of brilliance, there are about ten with ignition trouble.
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If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door, but only as long as it's not visible from the street.
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This is how it is today: The teachers are afraid of the principals. The principals are afraid of the superintendents. The superintendents are afraid of the board of education. The board is afraid of the parents. The parents are afraid of the children. The children are afraid of nothing!
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I take New Years with a grain of salt and three aspirins.
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I don't worry too much about sex education in the schools. If the kids learn it like they do everything else, they won't know how.
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Who says we didn't have controversial subjects on TV back in my time? Remember Bonanza? It was about three guys in high heels living together
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On Valentine's Day, I wired flowers for my mother-in-law, but she found the fuse.
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Money can't buy you happiness. It just helps you look for it in more places.
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Our tree was so puny we used orthopedic bulbs.
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I was in a department store and I saw a weird-looking gadget. I asked the young saleslady what it was. She answered, It doesn't do anything. It's just a Christmas gift.
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War toys are scary. They have a rocket launcher with a bayonet attached, in case you miss.
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Laughter is the best medicine in the world.
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Santa is having a tough time this year. Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized list
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They've got plastic Christmas trees now. They're hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.
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My wife can't figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who's had everything up to here?
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If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
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All my wife wanted for Valentine's Day was a little card - American Express.
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