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I bought my son a bat for Christmas. On New Year's it flew away.

Milton Berle

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Milton Berle
Age: 93 †
Born: 1908
Born: July 12
Died: 2002
Died: March 27
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Presenter
New York City
New York
Flew
Bought
Christmas
Son
Year
Away
Years
Bats

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I like to do things for my wife on Valentine's Day. I open the door for her when she puts laundry in the washing machine.
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One teacher recently retired with a half-million dollars after 30 years of working hard, caring, dedicating herself and totally immensing herself in the problems of the students. That gave her $50. The rest of the money came from the death of a rich uncle.
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I bought an ideal gift for my mother-in-law - a battery-operated mouth.
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The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring.
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A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, Did you miss a step? No, he answers, I hit every one of them!
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Every year my boss used to give me a bottle of expensive brandy because I'd told him that my doctor suggested a drink once in a while. This year my boss gave me the name of a new doctor.
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If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.
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My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.
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I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank?
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Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.
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Sex at eighty-four is terrific, especially the one in the winter.
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This is how it is today: The teachers are afraid of the principals. The principals are afraid of the superintendents. The superintendents are afraid of the board of education. The board is afraid of the parents. The parents are afraid of the children. The children are afraid of nothing!
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Money can't buy you happiness. It just helps you look for it in more places.
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My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don't try to run her life, and I don't try to run mine.
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It's amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!
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In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn't say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours.
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It was a tough school. The kids on the debating team took steroids!
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I gave my wife a gift certificate for Christmas. She ran out to exchange it for a bigger size.
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For every studen with a spark of brilliance, there are about ten with ignition trouble.
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All my wife wanted for Valentine's Day was a little card - American Express.
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