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I bought my mother-in-law a beautiful chair for Christmas, but she won't let me plug it in.

Milton Berle

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Milton Berle
Age: 93 †
Born: 1908
Born: July 12
Died: 2002
Died: March 27
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Presenter
New York City
New York
Chair
Chairs
Bought
Christmas
Law
Mother
Beautiful
Plug
Plugs

More quotes by Milton Berle

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My wife and I were shopping for the whole family. In the music department my wife said, Let's get your nephew a set of drums. That's what your brother did to us last year.
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Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?
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Talk about cheap - on Christmas Eve, my neighbour shoots off three blanks and tells his kids Santa Claus just committed suicide.
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I don't worry too much about sex education in the schools. If the kids learn it like they do everything else, they won't know how.
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Do you realise that Eve was the only woman who ever took a man's side?
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I like to do things for my wife on Valentine's Day. I open the door for her when she puts laundry in the washing machine.
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In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn't say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours.
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Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is.
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Who says we didn't have controversial subjects on TV back in my time? Remember Bonanza? It was about three guys in high heels living together
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This is how it is today: The teachers are afraid of the principals. The principals are afraid of the superintendents. The superintendents are afraid of the board of education. The board is afraid of the parents. The parents are afraid of the children. The children are afraid of nothing!
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Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.
Milton Berle
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War toys are scary. They have a rocket launcher with a bayonet attached, in case you miss.
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My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don't try to run her life, and I don't try to run mine.
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All my wife wanted for Valentine's Day was a little card - American Express.
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It's amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!
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I bought an ideal gift for my mother-in-law - a battery-operated mouth.
Milton Berle
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The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.
Milton Berle
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A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, Did you miss a step? No, he answers, I hit every one of them!
Milton Berle
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If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door, but only as long as it's not visible from the street.
Milton Berle
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I know why superman left krypton. Earth was the only place where he could get steriods!
Milton Berle